


SX430

by Skylark62



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Drug-Induced Sex, Dubious Consent, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:55:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 28,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23412028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skylark62/pseuds/Skylark62
Summary: Sonny is injected by a new drug, SX430, which will cause brain damage if he doesn't get sex regularly until it wears off. Luckily his co-workers are willing to help him through it, but it changes his relationship with Rafael for good.READ THE NOTES BEFORE STARTING THE FIC!All posted. Thanks for the feedback. It spurs me on to more writing / editing / posting.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins, Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 47
Kudos: 79





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve read quite a few stories where one person has been drugged with a substance that gives them an unquenchable lust for sex, and been ‘helped through it’, and that has resulted in a relationship. This is my take on the trope. But unlike the light fluffy fic I was intending to write, this went in a much darker direction, so there’s lots of angst before the ‘happy ever after’ ending. 
> 
> One thing I considered when I started writing is that in reality, being given a drug like that would be really awful. Sex can be hard on the body, not just the sex organs, but the heart as well, and too much could be dangerous. Plus overworking any part of the body too often is painful as muscles get sore and skin gets chafed. So this fic reflects that. 
> 
> The consequence to Sonny of all this is that he is pretty out of it to the point of being unconscious, so be warned that sex is happening while he is in this state. He does consent before it all starts, and he knows what will happen to him, but I’m telling you now before you start reading. I don’t want anyone to go into this without being warned (or complain later because I didn’t give advance notice). If you don’t think you can cope with this, or it’s not something you want to read, please stop now. 
> 
> Having said that, there is nothing explicit or descriptive about what is happening to Sonny during the time he is drugged. What happens is in another room, off-camera, so to speak, and we only see the reactions of the people involved after the event. 
> 
> This fic is mainly about how they all cope with what happened, and how the relationship between Rafael and Sonny develops, and they overcome the problems they encounter as a result of the drugging. As I only write ‘happy ever after’ fics, be assured that they do get to this point by the end of the story. 
> 
> This is a Sonny/Rafael fic, and although the pairing of Sonny/Amanda is listed because he does have sex with her while he is drugged, they are friends only. There are no details given and neither of them want a romantic relationship between them.

They had all heard of the drug SX430; it was the latest development from some very clever scientists who had devoted their lives to trying to make new legal highs. This drug didn’t do that, so they had initially considered abandoning it, but its properties as a sexual stimulant and libido enhancer proved intriguing and so it had found another purpose. Despite what it may sound like, it wasn’t an alternative to Viagra; their victims found themselves in a nearly constant state of arousal, needing to be satisfied multiple times per hour for the best part of a day. This wasn’t a pleasant position to be in as it caused a great strain on the body. Worse, if the victim did not get this stimulation, their brain chemistry went haywire and they suffered from brain damage or even death. Many criminals were willing to pay for it as a new way to torture their enemies. There was no way to reverse the effects that had been discovered so far.

SVU were well aware of the drug as quite a few cases had come up in the last year. Some women had been raped by men who had been injected with the drug just to get the satisfaction they needed, and the number of cases was increasing. They were difficult to prosecute as the men themselves weren’t in their right mind and hadn’t taken the drug willingly, and often they weren’t mentally fit for trial by the time the drug had worn off, so everyone was a loser. The only thing they could do is go after the manufacturers of the drug, which they had been doing, hard, and hope that the research community would find a way to reverse the drug before many more people were affected.

***

Detective Sonny Carisi had been out with Detective Amanda Rollins when the latest suspect they believed was distributing SX430 was spotted, and after a brief chase, Sonny managed to take him down. But as he turned the man over to slap on the handcuffs, he felt a sting in his side and looked down to see the man had a syringe in his hand, the contents of which he had just plunged into Sonny.

“What the hell is that?” he demanded, although he suspected he knew, but the suspect just smirked at him.

“You’ll soon find out,” the man sneered, then laughed manically as the handcuffs were snapped on and he was dragged to his feet and pushed towards the car and forced inside.

“What happened?” Amanda asked him.

“He injected me with something. He won’t say what it was,” Sonny said, and could hear the fear in his voice. He was terrified it was SX430. 

“Right, so we’ll go to the hospital. I’ll get backup to pick up this scumbag. Give me the keys. I’m not risking you driving,” she said, holding out her hand to him. 

He passed over the keys without comment, but looked at his watch to see how long it was since he had been drugged. He felt sick and as if his heart was racing, but that was probably the effects of fear, and the chase, rather than the drug. So he hoped.

It didn’t take long to get to the hospital and he got out as Amanda stopped the car by the entrance, telling him that she would find him as soon as the suspect was taken off her hands. The man had been laughing to himself all the way to the hospital, refusing to say anything other than he wanted a lawyer.

Sonny found himself quickly whisked off to a cubicle, and attached to monitors as he waited for a doctor. So far his vitals were relatively normal, but they were on alert for any changes as they weren’t sure what they were dealing with. He had handed over the syringe that had been used on him and it was being sent for testing, along with a sample of his blood. In the meantime all he could do was wait, and worry. Amanda sat with him once she had handed over the suspect, and a after a few optimistic comments about the drug not being what they suspected, which he met with dirty looks, she subsided into silence.

Sonny saw a young doctor heading towards him and his hope died as he saw the serious expression and flush on his face.

“Detective Carisi, we have the results of your tests, if you would like to discuss them privately,” he said, glancing at Amanda who was sat on the chair next to the bed.

“Detective Rollins will need to report back what the drug is and its effects, so you may as well talk in front of her,” Sonny responded. He knew this would increase his embarrassment, but he also knew what he said was true. She would find out anyway, either from the doctor directly, or from him telling her afterwards. Best to get it all out at once, he decided.

The doctor drew the curtain around the bed, as if it would make much difference to their privacy in the busy ER. He fidgeted with the tablet in his hand and had trouble meeting Sonny’s eyes.

“It is called SX430.”

Sonny felt his heart sink, although he was not at all surprised to hear this from the doctor.

“The dose that was administered was a high one, judging by the blood levels. The effects usually last around 12 hours. It causes a spike in hormone levels which can cause brain damage if not countered adequately. Unfortunately no drug treatment has been developed yet which will counter the hormone spike or prevent the brain damage. There are ways to counter the effects of the drug though, and a specialist in this drug will explain it to you.”

Sonny could see a flush covering the man’s face, and noted that he was careful in not saying exactly what would be required to counter the effects of the drug as he had diplomatically put it.

“I am having you transferred to a private suite upstairs and full details will be given to you there about what will be required to minimise the long-term risks to your health from having been exposed to this drug.”

Sonny snorted. “Did you practice that speech? ‘Cos that’s a very careful way ofnot saying anything about the effects of the drug or what will be required. Pass the patient upstairs before you actually have to explain anything.”

“Carisi,” murmured Amanda in a low tone. He glared at her. It was all right for her - she wasn’t facing this humiliation or 12 hours of hell and brain damage.

The doctor backed away from Sonny. “A porter will transfer you straight away,” he said as he pulled the curtain open and then closed it again behind him.

“You could have been nicer. It’s not his fault,” Amanda commented.

“No, but he’s a doctor. He should be able to speak to a patient and explain things without getting embarrassed himself or avoiding it. If not, he’d better learn fast. He should be making me feel more at ease with this, not worse.”

She sighed but dropped the subject. He saw her pull out her cell and send a text. She glanced up and explained that she was letting Liv know what the drug was. He put his head in his hands and groaned even as he saw a porter bringing a wheelchair to him. He was hating this already, and it hadn’t even begun yet.

***

Only minutes later he was being settled into a private hospital room with attached bathroom. The bed was bigger than usual hospital beds, but otherwise the equipment was the same. A nurse had come in and attached monitors and leads after he had undressed, and he also now had an iv drip in his arm.

The door opened and an older doctor entered, sitting down beside the bed. He glanced at Sonny before introducing himself to Amanda, who had insisted on staying with him to give him support. He hadn’t refused.

The doctor nodded when Amanda introduced herself as Sonny’s partner.

Sonny thought he knew what the doctor was thinking and so quickly put him straight. “Detective Rollins is my work partner. We’re friends and co-workers.”

The doctor nodded and sat down before explaining about the drug.

“I know you work SVU so probably know some of this information anyway, but I’ll tell you what we know about it from a medical point of view. The drug you have been given is known as SX430. It is a hyper-sexual stimulant drug. It produces a prolonged hormone spike which also causes arousal. This persists for approximately 12 hours. In patients who are left untreated during this time, the raised hormone levels result in a cascade of neurotransmitters which attack the brain and cause damage which is irreversible. The only way to decrease the levels that we have found so far is through orgasm. This temporarily lowers the levels and so if the patient can be brought to sexual release often enough during this time period, the damage is minimised or stopped completely.” The doctor stopped briefly and looked at Sonny, before continuing.

“This in theory sounds like quite a pleasant treatment but unfortunately that is not the case when it has to be continued for so long. The repeated stimulation causes adverse physical effects on the sex organs and orgasms can cause heart palpitations as well as a spike in blood pressure. Plus the body can only cope with so much pleasure and after a while it turns to pain. This makes it virtually impossible for the patient to treat alone through manual stimulation, unless they have been given only a small dose. In the cases of a large dose being administered,where treatment has been successful, multiple partners have been needed to keep up the stimulation, as well as ongoing fluids, heart medications and pain-killers during this time. Even with these efforts, the patient is generally unconscious before the drug wears off. But it does work and prevents the brain from being damaged.”

“How often?” Sonny asked, not wanting to be any more specific than that. He was sure the doctor would know what he meant.

“With the large dose you’ve been given, I would say once it fully kicks in, which should be within the next 30 minutes, you will need to have an orgasm at least every 15 minutes until the danger has passed and the drug has been excreted from your system.”

Sonny knew his mouth was open. “every 15 minutes, for 12 hours. That’s nearly 50 orgasms in half a day.”

“Yes, it is. You can see why it is so dangerous for the body. You will need a few days in hospital to recuperate after the drug has released its hold on you, and that is assuming it has all gone well and you are left without permanent damage.”

“You said that in successful cases, multiple partners have been needed. What does successful treatment look like? What would be expected?” This was from Amanda. Sonny looked at her in shock.

The doctor turned to face her. “Usually people have helped the patients in shifts, as no-one could provide stimulation for the full 12 hours. Not even sex workers who are used to regular intercourse can cope with the frequency of sex that would be needed for that length of time, even if intercourse was alternated with manual or oral sex. It is useful if the man is willing to agree to penile and prostate stimulation as well.” Sonny could feel his embarrassment growing with every sentence. 

“Where the patient has been able to have multiple partners, so one could take over stimulation when another one was unable to continue, the least amount of damage has occurred. Because of the nature of the treatment, medical and nursing staff are not allowed to intervene and take part in this process, so these partners need to be people who are known to the patient who have agreed to help, or sex professionals.” The doctor looked at Sonny and Amanda and they nodded to indicate they understood he was talking about prostitutes.

“As I said, partners generally use a mixture of manual, oral stimulation and intercourse, and even toys - we have a selection here that can be used - and this has proved effective. You need to realise that as time goes on, stimulation becomes more difficult and the patient becomes less responsive. Not everyone can deal with that. It is important that anyone considering helping out in this way is fully aware of what is needed and is able to provide it, even without the patient being able to respond or consent later in the treatment. This is why we like everyone to understand and agree in advance. We do have contact numbers of professionals which we can give you if you want to go that route.” Sonny shook his head vigorously at that suggestion, and the doctor nodded his understanding and put down a few leaflets and backed away, explaining he would be in the room outside if they had any more questions. 

Sonny slumped back on the bed. “So I have about 30 minutes to find and brief multiple people who will agree to keep me sexually satisfied for the next 12 hours. Like that will happen.”

Sonny felt a hand cover his and looked up at Amanda, recognising the determined look in her eye. “Look Sonny, don’t give up. There is no way I’ll allow you to get brain damage from this piece of slime that injected you. If this means having sex with you myself, then I’ll do it.”

“Every 15 minutes for the next 12 hours? I don’t think so,” he said dejectedly.

“Maybe not for the whole time, but I can at least take a stint which will give time to find someone else or some other people to help out.”

“I’m not having any strangers in here having sex with me, and definitely not prostitutes,” Sonny said determinedly. He saw Amanda nod her agreement. “It has to be people I know and trust. And no-one is to be pressured into helping out. I’d rather be brain damaged than force anyone to do anything like this against their will.”

“How about you say what your terms are and what you do and don’t want. I’ll record it on my cell as a record of your consent. You think about it while I go and fill Liv in and then come back in a few minutes, okay?” She squeezed his hand and then left when he nodded.

Sonny tried not to think about what he was going to have to go through, or how he would have to face everyone after this, and instead consider what he was willing to accept.

When Amanda came back in, she checked he was ready and then he started, saying on camera that he would not consent to strangers having sex with him, but anyone who was willing to help must be a volunteer, and that no-one was to be pressured. He added that he was grateful for everyone, man or woman, who was willing to help and would never blame anyone who felt unable to assist. He also said that he was consenting to any type of sexual activity that was felt necessary in his treatment, even knowing that later on he would likely be unconscious and unable to give ongoing consent. He added that he wanted Amanda to be his medical proxy for this treatment and would trust her judgement.

When she finished recording she put the cell down. “Why me?” She asked.

“You’re here and I trust you. My parents are my medical contacts but they can’t be expected to make decisions about my sex life, even for this. Plus you know more about me than anyone else around.”

She smiled. “I notice you mentioned men and women. Obviously I already knew that you were bi, but is that to reassure any man who may be willing to help?”

He shrugged. “It won’t do any harm to include it. God knows it’s not as if I’m going to have any privacy or secrets by the end of this.”

“I’ll do my best Sonny. You can trust me and I will do everything I can to get you out of this safe and sound.”

“Yeah, I know. Thanks Amanda.”

She stood and headed out of the room. “I’ll be back in about 10 minutes. The nurse said she needed to prepare you, so I’ll be back after that to start my shift,” she said, winking at him.

Sonny glared at her but felt relieved at knowing he had done all he could in this situation. He would have to trust Amanda.


	2. Chapter 2

Amanda walked out of Sonny’s room 5 hours later feeling shattered. She liked sex as much as the next person but not that often, and not with a partner who was unable to move much, with drips in each arm and leads attaching him to monitors which prevented him participating as much as he wanted to. After the first few hours he hadn’t the energy anyway. He had been fading in and out of consciousness for the last half hour too as the toll on his body had grown with each orgasm.

Every few hours the doctor had knocked on the door and when the hormone levels were low, she would go out and the doctor and nurse would come in and tend to Sonny. One nurse stayed with her, giving her water and checking her blood pressure and asking if she needed anything and was okay. She was knackered and sore in a way she hadn’t been before, and she knew Sonny was worse off than she was. They hadn’t had intercourse each time which gave her some relief, but Sonny hadn’t had any. She knew he wasn’t going to be able to continue in the same way for another 7 hours. Her sexual organs needed a break and his did too.

Luckily she had texted Liv an hour ago as she had been able to see the way things were going, and hopefully reinforcements would be there now. She was just finishing her juice when the doctor came out to see her. He confirmed what she had suspected.

“His penis is inflamed and the skin rubbed raw, despite the lubricant you have been using. I really need to bandage it soon so it can recover. But obviously he will need continued stimulation which will be much more difficult without his primary sexual organ. Many men can adequately achieve orgasm from prostate stimulation, but I don’t know if that is acceptable to either of you. You don’t look too good yourself.”

She nodded. “Sonny’s bisexual, and doesn’t have a problem with that. I could do with a proper break though. I’m going to see if someone is willing to take over from me. Would you be able to brief someone so they know what is needed?”

The doctor nodded, and she wrapped the robe she had been provided with around her more securely before opening the door to the waiting area, where she had her co-workers to face.

She found only Liv in the waiting area and she felt like crying. She knew her boss would never refuse to help, but also knew that Sonny would be uncomfortable with her helping him that way.

“Where’s Fin? Barba?” Amanda asked.

“Fin’s stuck with a suspect who he’s handing off to the next shift. Barba’s on his way. What do you need from us?” Liv asked.

“I need someone to take over from me. I can’t do this much longer. But Sonny can’t have sexual intercourse with a woman any more either so someone’s going to have to be more creative.” Amanda saw the question in her boss’s eyes before she asked it.

“He’s rubbed raw from the repeated stimulation and the doctor says he needs to bandage him up so he can recover.”

She took in a deep breath, and decided that beating around the bush wouldn’t help, especially as she was short of time. “Look, I’m sure you would be willing to help but I know Sonny would feel awkward with his boss seeing him this way so it’d be best to avoid that if at all possible. If Fin was willing, that would be good, but Barba would be best of all. Sonny is bi, and we had a drunken conversation once about people we worked with and who we are attracted to, and so I know that he still has a soft spot for Barba. But I don’t think I could convince him to help out. You have more influence over him and he listens to you. The doctor is happy to brief anyone about what’s going on and what’s needed and I have a video message from Sonny on my cell where he gives consent and states what he does and doesn’t want. Can you see what you can do please, Liv? I’ve got to get back to him before the hormone levels spike again. The doctor is in the next room so talk to him too.”

Liv was frowning, but nodded and took the cell phone Amanda held out to her. She muttered her thanks and then after a glance at the clock on the wall, turned around and headed back to Sonny.

***

“Okay, so why am I here?” Rafael demanded to know as he walked into the room. He sipped his coffee as he looked at Liv who was reading a leaflet. 

“Carisi has been attacked by the perp he picked up this morning, and injected with SX430. He’s not doing so well and the doctor is concerned about brain damage if the hormone levels can’t be kept down.”

“Shit,” Rafael exclaimed. “What does he need?”

“Basically, an orgasm every 15 minutes to keep his hormone levels at safe levels. The drug usually lasts about 12 hours and Rollins has been helping so far, but she looks ready to drop and needs someone to take over.”

“You’re not seriously suggesting I do it?” He said in astonishment. That was the last thing he expected.

“Yes I am. He is going to need prostate stimulation from now on as his penis is too inflamed and raw to continue. But Rollins is knackered and he isn’t going to want his boss doing that to him. Plus someone who knows what he is doing would be better.”

“So you picked me because you know I’m gay,” he said, glaring at her.

“Rollins suggested you because she knows Carisi well enough to know he is bi and would be comfortable with you. She doesn’t know your sexual orientation.”

“Look Rafael, I know this is awkward. But he will probably be permanently brain damaged if he doesn’t get this help.”

“Can’t the doctors or nurses do it? Surely they are trained for this?” He asked, trying desperately to find a way out of this.

“No, the doctor told me they are prohibited from any sexual stimulation of patients, even in these circumstances. Watch this. It’s a video Carisi made before the drug started its effects.” He found a cell phone thrust into his hands and automatically pressed the play icon which started the clip, and listened to the familiar tones of the detective as he explained his wishes.

“The doctor can explain everything to you and tell you what to expect and how necessary it is. Go and talk to him, please Rafael.”

He sighed and picked up his coffee, finishing the last swigs of it before getting up and walking out of the door, seeing the grateful look Liv gave him as he left.

He sat in the next door room and glanced at the leaflets Liv had thrust into his hand. The doctor was on the phone but saw him and indicated he would be just a minute.

Rafael couldn’t believe he was in this position. He had always thought Carisi was handsome and that had turned into more than just physical attraction as time went on and they got to know each other better and worked together more. He had harboured some fantasies about himself and the detective, but this was definitely not what he had in mind.

“Hello,” the doctor said, extending his hand for Rafael to shake. “I’m Doctor Smith. I believe you’re here to assist Sonny?”

He shook the doctor’s hand and felt his eyebrow rise up at the name the doctor was using. But he knew Carisi ‘call me Sonny’ would have asked the doctor to be less formal with him, and it made sense considering the personal treatment he was receiving. He supposed if he was going to do this, he should start thinking of him that way too.

“Well, yes, that’s why I’ve been summoned. But I really don’t know much about what is needed.”

The doctor sat down next to him with a sigh. “He was given quite a large dose of the drug SX430. Are you aware of the drug and its effects?”

“Yes. I have prosecuted a number of cases where it has been used.”

The doctor gave Rafael the information that he had earlier given to Amanda and Sonny, but then continued.

“Sonny is doing about as well as expected right now. His hormone levels have stayed within the safe region, but he needs to be given an orgasm regularly until the effects wear off, which I predict will be in about 5-6 hours. The frequency this is needed will decrease the more time goes on as the drug levels drop. But the demands on the body are hard and he is lapsing in and out ofconsciousness, and that is likely to become deeper as time goes on. That is helpful for him as he doesn’t have to be fully awake all through the rest of the process, although he will still be aware of some of what is happening for a while yet. But it does make it harder on whoever is assisting him. We are checking his hormone levels and have a monitor set up so that you can see the current level. When the levels rise and he needs more stimulation it will beep, and it will also beep when the levels drop so you can take a break. That’s necessary as because of his current state, you won’t be able to tell if he is responding or if what you are dong is working, so the monitor will help you.”

“Jesus,” Rafael swore. “So what you’re saying is that you’re expecting me to go in there and have sexual relations with an unconscious man who is unable to give consent to what is happening to him. That’s assault, not medical treatment!”

“I know how it sounds, and yes, that pretty much is what you are being asked to do. But Sonny was aware of what would be needed and he gave consent before this started. Without this he will suffer permanent brain damage. To give you the full picture, he has an iv in each arm; one for the hormone levels and one to keep him hydrated and medicated. There are heart monitoring leads attached to his chest and he has also been catheterised now he is approaching unconsciousness. His penis has been bandaged as it is inflamed and raw so he will need prostate stimulation from now on. Will that be a problem for you?”

Rafael shook his head. “No, I’m gay so familiar with how to do that. Won’t a catheter be a problem when he has an orgasm?”

The doctor smiled. “No. He won’t ejaculate after so many orgasms. The body can’t produce enough to keep up and he has had over 20 orgasms.”

Rafael swore again, but didn’t say anything else. The doctor waited for a minute to see if he had any more questions before saying anything else.

“Are you willing to agree to this, and help him? If not someone else will need to be found quickly as I’m not sure Amanda can continue much longer.”

Rafael took in a deep breath before exhaling slowly. He knew he really didn’t have any choice. Sonny needed him and he couldn’t just walk away and refuse to help.

“Yes, I’ll do it.”

The doctor immediately got up and knocked on another door before leading Rafael to a changing room. He indicated a robe hanging on the door and suggested he got changed and then come back out. He also asked if he had had plenty of food and drink as he would need his energy. Rafael told him no and the doctor promised a sandwich and large coffee would be brought straight away for him.

When Rafael finished eating, and was just finishing his coffee, the doctor came back.

“I don’t know what you were thinking of doing, but there are condoms, lube, gloves and toys in the drawer by the bed. I would suggest you change it up a bit as he will become more difficult to arouse as time goes on, and that would be easier on you too.”

Rafael snorted. “Yeah, well there is no way I could get it up often enough to do what is needed. I’m not as young as I used to be and even as a teenager I wouldn’t have been capable of that.”

“Do you have any health problems yourself or are you taking any medication?” The doctor asked.

Rafael shook his head.

“Have you ever had Viagra or any of those similar drugs?”

He glanced round at the doctor, before answering. “No. I’ve never needed any, not that I have had a sex life in quite some time.”

The doctor held out a medicine cup with 2 small blue tablets inside. Rafael took it and looked inside before making eye contact with the doctor.

“Is that what I think it is?” He asked.

“Yes; Viagra. You don’t have to take it if you don’t want to, but it would make it easier for you. That is a higher dose than usual because of this situation, but it shouldn’t have any ill effects on you. I will knock on the door at least every 2 hours, and when you have got the levels down, come out. We will want to check on both you and Sonny regularly. You can come out if you need a break when the levels are down too. If there are any problems there is an emergency button by the bed, but we won’t come in unless you press it or we see a major problem with the hormone levels. Even then we will knock before entering. There are no cameras so you will have privacy while in there. Sonny has been tested for STDs with his permission and there are no concerns there. He has also been given an enema, so although his back passage isn’t exactly sterile, it is relatively clean and free from obstruction. Just as his penis has become raw and inflamed from the repeated stimulation over so many hours, it is likely that his anus will too. Try to ignore that, even if there is bleeding. It is more important that his hormone levels stay down. Any physical damage will heal but his brain won’t.”

By the time the doctor finished this speech Rafael was pale, wondering what the hell he had let himself in for. The doctor saw the look on his face and squeezed his arm.

“I know it sounds awful, but this is necessary for him. If it’s any consolation, it won’t be so bad for him. He will be sufficiently out of it for most of the time from now on.”

‘Yeah, but I won’t be’ thought Rafael. He picked up his coffee and tipped the Viagra tablets into his mouth and washed them down with the now tepid drink.

“We’re never sure how much patients can sense in this state, but it’s best to assume they can tell some of what is happening. So it is helpful to talk and be affectionate so he knows it is you and not a stranger.”

Rafael nodded.

“I pretty much mainline coffee when at work. Can you have one for me whenever you need to check on me? I’m assuming whiskey is out of the question,” he said.

The doctor smiled. “Yeah, sorry we don’t keep that in. But coffee’s no problem. I’ll make a note of it now.” He got up and left Rafael to sit alone and consider what he was going to have to do.

A few minutes later, the door opened and Amanda came out. Rafael was about to make a sarcastic comment to her for suggesting him, but the words died on his lips as he saw the state she was in. She was leaning against the door, and he could see her trembling from across the room. Her face was pale and he could see tears in her eyes.

A nurse rushed over to her and helped her to lie on a bed not far away, and she slumped down on it. He could see the exhaustion on her face, and the nurse held a drink and helped her with it until she finished drinking.

Rafael got up and slowly walked towards her, just in time to hear her murmur to the nurse that she couldn’t take any more. He placed his hand on her arm and squeezed gently.

“You don’t have to. It’s my turn,” he said.

She opened her eyes and turned her head to look at him, and he saw a tear escape from her eye and roll down her face. He brushed it off with his thumb. He had never seen her like this, and it made him very afraid. Even when she had admitted to him that she had been raped, she had exuded strength. Now she looked broken. He wasn’t sure he would be able to cope with this either, but he knew he had to do it.

“You agreed to help?” She confirmed.

He nodded his head. “Yeah. Liv didn’t give me much choice, and anyway, it sounds as if my skills will be more useful than yours at this point.”

“Are you okay with doing this Barba?”

“You trying to talk me out of it? That’s not very sensible is it?” He said with a wry smile.

“No. God knows I don’t want to have to go in there again, but I know what you’re facing,” she said in a quiet voice.

“I’ll be fine. I know what I’m doing,” he said, and at the dubious look on her face, he elaborated. “I’m gay,” he said, although he suspected she had guessed that already.

She nodded and didn’t look surprised. “That’s not what I meant.” The doctor appeared just then and they both looked at him.

“It’s time,” he said to Rafael, who took in a deep breath and nodded, before turning away from Amanda and walking into the room she had recently left and shutting the door behind him.

Even though he had been warned, he was still shocked at the sight of Sonny. He was pale and lying deathly still on the bed. It almost looked as if he was dead. Only the monitor which was silently showing his heart rate on the screen and the gentle rise and fall of his chest indicated that he was breathing. Rafael could see multiple lines leading from his body to various bags and monitors, and cautiously stepped towards the bed.

The bed was a big one, for obvious reasons, he thought to himself, and he opened the top drawer of the bedside cabinet and saw a large tube of lube as well as condoms and a few assorted sized dildos and vibrators, all of which were sealed in packaging that indicated they had been sterilised. He took in a deep breath and then shrugged out of the bathrobe and took off his underwear, placing them on a chair close to the bed. He pulled the covers back and saw that Sonny was naked under the sheet, not surprisingly. His penis was covered with bandages, with just the tube of the catheter coming out the top and Rafael winced as he looked at it before he wrenched his eyes back up the bed to search the detective’s face.

“Well Carisi, or I guess I should call you Sonny considering why we’re both here,” Rafael started in a cheerful voice. He saw no reaction from the still figure on the bed. “It seems you’ve worn out Amanda so I’m taking over for her. You’ve got the pleasure of my company for as long as this takes. But you know me. I’m stubborn and there is no way I’m letting you suffer from brain damage on my watch, so you just relax and let me help you. I’ve got you and I’ll keep you safe. You can trust me.”

As he said this, Rafael ran his hand down Sonny’s arm and wasn’t sure, but thought he felt a minute relaxation of the muscles as he spoke. He very carefully rolled Sonny onto his side, and then got into the bed beside him, spooning him. He wrapped his arms around the other man’s chest, avoiding the leads, and stroked the warm flesh, feeling a nipple peak under his hand and pulling it gently between his finger and thumb. He felt a deeper breath being taken by Sonny and smiled to himself. It was a start, and a reaction finally. He eyed the line on the monitor that was showing the hormone levels, seeing it rising steadily across the screen, and then got to work.


	3. Chapter 3

Two hours later he stumbled out of the room, feeling shaky and definitely ready for a break. He was led to the bed that Amanda had been in earlier that was now empty, and a nurse put a cuff around his arm and took his blood pressure while the doctor handed him a coffee. He guzzled half of it down before coming up for air.

“How are you doing?” Dr Smith asked him gently.

He sighed. “Okay I think. It’s more difficult than I expected and Sonny’s not really responding at all now. I’m trying to take it minute by minute and not really think about it.”

“Yeah, that’s probably best. Amanda said that if you didn’t think you would be able to continue until the end of treatment, she will ask Fin. She’s left me her number to contact her. Do you want me to ring her?”

Rafael took a sip of his coffee but shook his head. “No. I can do it. I don’t want to subject anyone else to this.”

The doctor nodded and smiled at him, and Rafael could read the compassion in his eyes.

“It’ll hit you later, but if you can get through the next 4 hours you can then concentrate on yourself. We have counsellors here who can help you, and have dealt with the fallout from this drug before. Don’t underestimate the effect doing this will have on you.”

Rafael nodded.

“The good news is that it’s working. The hormone levels are staying at safe levels. How are you doing physically?”

He shrugged. “Okay so far, but I think Sonny’s getting sore.”

“That’s to be expected. Don’t worry about it. I’ll leave you in peace and see you in a couple of hours, or sooner if you need anything.” Rafael watched him walk into the other room, no doubt to check on Sonny. He concentrated on opening the sandwich and eating it, trying not to think about what he had done, or was going to have to continue doing.

***

Two hours later and Rafael was struggling when he escaped from the room again. He went to the rest room and relieved himself before washing his hands and face. He couldn’t look at himself in the mirror. He hated this; what he was having to do. He had seen no response at all from Sonny since he had last entered the room and having to keep stimulating an unconscious body was horrifying to him, as he had flashbacks to victims who had been attacked while unable to consent, either from drugs or alcohol. He resolutely changed his thoughts, knowing he would fall apart if he didn’t, and he still had another 2 hours to get through.

He allowed the nurse to fuss over him, checking his blood pressure again and also giving him more coffee. The doctor came out of Sonny’s room and approached Rafael slowly.

“He seems to be about as well as he could be. I can see he is bleeding but that’s to be expected. Try to ignore it. How are you doing?” He asked.

“I’m finding it difficult, especially now he’s not responding at all.”

“How about physically? Are you sore?” He asked quietly. Rafael nodded, indicating his hand and his groin.

The doctor pulled the drapes around the bed and indicated for Rafael to lie back on the bed and open up the robe while he put on gloves. He sighed but did as the doctor asked, and closed his eyes as he felt the gentle touch of the doctor as he was examined.

When the doctor finished, Rafael covered himself up again as his hand was checked. It was painful, especially his fingers, but that wasn’t what he was concerned about.

“You are a bit swollen and sore but that isn’t surprising. It may take a few days for the inflammation to go down, but you’ll be fine within a week.

Rafael snorted. “Yeah, well it’s not as if i’m going to be using it for anything any time soon. I can’t imagine ever wanting sex again after this.”

‘That’ll change, given time. But no, I don’t expect you will want it for a while. You’re doing well. Just hang in there a bit longer and it’ll soon be over.”

Rafael rested for a few minutes before being told he had to go back in again. He slowly walked back into the room, feeling as if he was being sent to his doom. He’d rather face a firing squad than another two hours of this.

***

Finally it was over. Rafael almost cried when he heard the knock on the door and after one last look at the hormone levels on the monitor which had remained flat for the last 25 minutes, he got out of the bed and pulled the cover over Sonny one last time. There was an ensuite washroom attached to the private room, so he made use of that, having a hot shower to clean himself. He hoped it would cleanse away the feelings of disgust he had at himself for what he had done, but it didn’t. He was feeling shaky and was thankful for the stool under the shower, and the handrails attached to the wall as he dried himself and put on the robe again, before leaving the room for good.

The nurse helped him onto the bed and he shut his eyes as the usual routine of his blood pressure being taken was completed. The doctor again gave them privacy and gently examined him, tutting as he checked out his red and sore penis. He got some cream and a bandage and wound it round Rafael’s painful flesh before covering him up. He also put some cream and a bandage on his hand.

“Your blood pressure is a little elevated which I would expect, and you have significant inflammation and damage, although only half what Sonny has. But apply the cream twice a day and keep bandaged up for the next day and you should be fine. If you have any problems I want you to come back and see me though. I know this was a traumatic experience, but you did good. I expect Sonny to have no permanent problems as a result of this, thanks to you and Amanda.” He walked out and pulled the curtains back. Rafael had his eyes shut and just rested.

He felt a hand squeeze his shoulder and opened his eyes to see Amanda stood there, holding out a coffee for him. She looked better than she had done before, but still a bit rough around the edges; no doubt better than he currently looked though.

“What are you doing still here?” He asked, as he took the coffee from her.

“I came back as I wanted to see how you were doing, and make sure you got out of here in one piece. I didn’t think you should be alone after what you’ve been through.”

He felt tears sting his eyes again. Although he liked to keep up his aloof professional aura, especially around those he worked with, he could see it was useless in this case. What they had been through had given them a bond he had with no-one else, as anyone who hadn’t been through this could never understand. But she did.

“Thanks Amanda,” he said, seeing her eyebrows rise up in surprise when he used her given name, which he hadn’t done before.

“You’re welcome, Rafael,” she replied. “How about once you get the all clear to get out of here, we go and get drunk. I imagine you need a drink about now and something stronger than coffee.”

“Definitely,” he muttered.

It took an hour for him to be released, along with medication, the doctor’s number and a card for a therapist that he recommended. Dr Smith had promised to keep them both updated on how Sonny was doing. Rafael was keen to leave, but felt weak as a kitten, and found himself having to lean on Amanda for support. He felt bad until she admitted she had slept for 4 hours which had helped her.

They went back to Rafael’s apartment, as he needed to change. His work pants were too tight to be comfortable around his swollen groin, and he wanted to be somewhere he could just collapse. So as Amanda looked through takeout menus that would deliver to him, he changed and then joined her on the couch. They picked food and both had a stiff drink before he found himself drifting off to sleep. She told him to have a nap and that she would order in a while and then wake him later.

When he woke up he felt more rested, and they put a mindless TV drama on while they ate to take their minds off of what they had been doing that day. But once the show had finished and they had eaten all they could, they fell silent, both drinking and lost in their own thoughts.

The beeping of a cell phone brought them back to the present, and Amanda checked her cell and told him it was a message from Liv, asking for an update. She replied then put her phone back down again, glancing at Rafael.

“From what I gathered, you had a harder time of it than I did, with Sonny being unresponsive most of the time. I’m finding it difficult to deal with, but it must be much worse for you. At least he was joking around and obviously consenting when we started, only fading towards the end. You didn’t get that at all.”

Rafael swigged down the rest of his drink before refilling it with the bottle he had left on the coffee table. He topped up Amanda’s glass of wine as well before answering.

“Yeah. I kept remembering all the crying victims I’ve had on the stand, who were assaulted while unconscious. I feel like a rapist.”

“But you’re not, and Sonny won’t see you that way either. He consented in full knowledge of what was going to happen to him, and because of what we did, he will be back to work, brain no more damaged than it was before.”

Rafael tried to smile at that, but still felt his eyes fill with tears, which despite blinking, wouldn’t stop. He knew Amanda saw them when she put down her glass and took his off him, and then pulled him into her arms. He tried to hold on to his tears but couldn’t, and slumped down and leaned on her, accepting the comfort she was offering as his tears flowed down his face.

They stayed leaning against each other like that for a long time, just comforting each other, and when Rafael eventually pulled away as he heard his cell phone beep, he saw Amanda had tears on her face as well.

He saw a message from Liv, telling him that she had spoken to the DA and he had the next few days off of work, and more if he needed it. He put the cell down on the table in relief. He definitely didn’t feel up to going to work tomorrow. He swigged down some more whiskey and refilled their glasses. He wanted to drink, and forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a rather depressing chapter. It gets more cheerful from here on though.


	4. Chapter 4

Sonny could feel himself slowly waking up, but made no attempt to open his eyes yet. His body felt strange - a dragging sensation, as well as individual aches and pains, which although not too bad, definitely hadn’t been there when he fell asleep. What had happened to him slowly came back and he realised that he had made it through the ordeal, although in what shape he didn’t know. He opened his eyes, squinting at the light which was far too bright for his eyes, and saw movement to one side.

“Good, you’re awake. I’ll let the doctor know,” a nurse said with a smile for him.

A few minutes of peace, and then a man that Sonny recognised as Dr Smith appeared by his bedside.

“What happened?” he croaked, and the nurse immediately appeared on his other side with a cup of water and helped him sit up slightly to drink from it. Despite not being very cold, the water felt wonderful to him, and he drank it all down.

“The drug is out of your system, and we don’t believe there is any permanent damage, as your friends managed to keep the hormone level below the upper safe limit. We will do some tests to confirm that. It will take a few days for you to recover though, with us needing to monitor your heart a little longer. You also have some inflammation and other injuries that will take a little longer to heal, but overall you’re doing well.

Sonny minutely moved and felt a stinging sensation in his arm. He looked down to see a drip, and other leads attached to his chest. He also spotted a tube lower down in the bed that appeared to be attached to a catheter.

“We’ve got you on some painkillers at the moment but will gradually taper them off.”

His mind was whirring. “My friends?” He questioned. “I remember Amanda being here, but who else?”

Dr Smith smiled. “Yes Amanda was with you for about 6 hours, and then Rafael took over, and stayed with you until the drug dissipated completely.”

Sonny jerked upwards on hearing that. “Rafael Barba? Seriously? How on earth did he get persuaded to do this?”

The doctor’s smile dropped. “Is that not okay? Amanda seemed to think he would be a good choice and you wouldn’t have a problem with him assisting, but if she was wrong…”

“No, she’s right. I’m just surprised he agreed, that’s all.” He was quiet for a minute while the doctor checked his notes and the nurse took blood from his iv. He could feel pain in areas he hadn’t noticed before and that made him wonder what exactly Rafael had done to him during the hours they were alone. 

“Do you know what Rafael did when he was with me?” He asked, feeling strange calling the ADA by his first name, although considering what must have happened between them, it didn’t seem too personal to refer to him that way.

The doctor sat on the edge of the bed. “Not exactly no. By the time he took over your penis was far too raw and inflamed to touch, and you were pretty much unconscious, so we had catheterised you. I suggested prostate stimulation, using a mixture of manual, intercourse and toys, and I have reason to believe he used all three methods. As I mentioned before, what happens in this room remains private, and we didn’t ask Rafael when we checked on him and you. Whatever he did worked though.”

“Yeah. Thanks doc,” Sonny murmured. He couldn’t decide how he felt about it. Mainly pissed off that the man he had fancied for years had had sex with him, and he didn’t remember it. 

Over the next few hours he spent a long time processing how he felt about what happened. He remembered the awkwardness at first with Amanda, but how they had gotten over that and had fun before they had gotten tired and had enough, but still had to continue. He remembered feeling grateful when he started to space out a bit, and only recalled bits and pieces after that.

Waking up and feeling lots of aches and pains he didn’t remember was hard to deal with, especially when he could guess how they had occurred but had no memory of events. He felt he had an idea of how some of their victims felt after they had been roofied, and woke up without remembering what had happened to them.

He determinedly told himself that it was not the case with him. He had known going in what would likely happen and had consented to it. He had been monitored by the medical professionals and he had been saved from brain damage. He remembered trying to interview one victim of SX430 drugging and having to give up. The man had ended up locked away in a psychiatric ward and would likely be there for the rest of his life. He had been lucky being relatively undamaged, and could resume his life as it had been before. He just needed to repair his relationships with Amanda and Rafael, and thank them for what they did.

Not much later, he had a visitor. Dr Smith introduced Dr Angela Souza, who was a psychiatrist. He told Sonny that she had experience helping people after SX430 drugging, and was there to offer her services. She sat down and explained more about herself and how she had helped other patients, and gave Sonny an opportunity to discuss how he was feeling and he did open up a bit. She didn’t push, but gave him her card and said he was free to reach out to her anytime for support. He decided it would be a good idea to take her up on that, and arranged to speak to her the next day.

***

Rafael was slumped in front of his TV watching some mindless drivel in an effort to not think about anything at all while his head throbbed. He had booked an Uber for Amanda the night before when he couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer, after she assured him that she would be fine, and insisted she text him once she got home. He had fallen asleep before the text came, but saw it in the morning when he woke up. The shower had revived him somewhat, as had coffee and Tylenol, but he was still feeling sore and under the weather. He had received a text from Dr Smith too, telling him that Sonny was conscious and recovering well.

His cell rang and he reluctantly answered it, to find it was Amanda suggesting that now Sonny was awake, they should visit him. He refused. He couldn’t even contemplate going back to the hospital, let alone seeing the other man. He needed to get a better handle on his emotions first. He ignored all Amanda’s arguments and in the end hung up on her when she refused to accept no for an answer. A while later he heard his door bell go, but he didn’t budge off the couch, not wanting to see anyone.

***

Amanda visited Sonny a few hours later, and although the atmosphere between them was a bit strained for a few minutes, it soon improved and they were joking around with each other as if nothing had happened. Before she left, he decided to quiz her about Rafael's involvement. He had been wracking his brains but his memory was still patchy. He thought he had heard his voice, but he couldn’t remember much else.

“So Amanda, how did you convince Barba to help out?”

She looked quite surprised at the question, so he said that Dr Smith had told him who else had helped out.

“I didn’t. I left that to Liv,” Amanda admitted.

Sonny felt his face burn in embarrassment at the thought of his boss being involved in that discussion.

“I had asked for the others to come here when I knew I was starting to struggle, but when I got out to the waiting room, only Liv was there. Fin was out with a witness and she said Barba was on his way. I told her I needed someone to take over from me, and that Barba would be the best choice if he agreed. I left my cell with the video you recorded and left her to it. When I was called out next time, he was ready to take over from me. You’ll have to ask him or Liv if you want to know more.”

“Great, like that will happen. I’m surprised he agreed.”

“Yeah, so was I, but I told Liv you would prefer your boss not to see you in that state, and Fin wasn’t around, so there wasn’t that much choice. She can be pretty persuasive, especially with Barba.” A sly grin covered her face. “So how do you feel, knowing he was involved in this?”

“Pissed off that I was too out of it to remember,” he said grumpily.

She laughed. “Yeah, I bet you are.”

He paused for a few seconds after that before asking another question. “Have you seen him since he took over from you?”

She nodded. “I was here when the doctor confirmed the drug was out of your system, and after Dr Smith let him go we had takeout at his place, along with quite a few drinks. It was good not to be alone with our thoughts after that, and have someone to share with who knew what we had been through. I’ve still got the hangover and I bet he has too.” She changed the subject after that, and Sonny let her, not wanting to pry too much.

***

Rafael wasn’t in a much better frame of mind the following week when he went back to work. He was feeling better physically, as the cream the doctor had given him was working its magic, but mentally he still felt rough. He was using his normal habit of ignoring things he didn’t want to deal with, even knowing that it wasn’t the right attitude in this case.

He had to go to the precinct to make a deal with a suspect on his first day back at work, which he didn’t want to do, but knew that he had to face the detectives sometime. Only the squad knew what he had done, and the DA. He was greeted by Liv in her office, and after they finished discussing the case, she attempted to ask how he was, but he shut her down immediately. He definitely didn’t want to talk about it.

He was less successful avoiding Amanda when she cornered him in the viewing room as they watched Fin’s interrogation of the suspect.

“I’m not talking about this at work,” he hissed out, when she persisted in talking to him about Sonny and asking him how he was.

“Fine. Stop avoiding me and I’ll leave you alone at work. But you haven’t even visited with Sonny yet. Have you been to the therapist? It will help.”

He glared at her. “I’m fine, I don’t need therapy. And no doubt I will see him when he is fully recovered and back at work. I’m far too busy catching up on cases to do anything else.”

Amanda snorted, and he ignored her. “Yeah, well I think it will backfire on you. But when you decide you do want to talk about it, I’m here for you. Don’t forget, I’m the only one who knows what it was like for us.”

There was silence for a few seconds before Rafael responded. “How is Sonny doing now?”

“You could go and see him for yourself,” she suggested, earning herself another glare. She sighed then gave in. “He’s doing well. Sick of being in the hospital, but expecting to be released tomorrow. He’s still bandaged and sore but his hormone levels are stable and the scans and tests they have done show no permanent damage, mentally or physically.”

“How much does he know about what happened?” Rafael asked quietly. He was fixing his gaze on the room ahead, not able to look at Amanda as she answered.

“I’m not sure what the doctors have told him. He asked me to fill him in, and so I told him what I knew from when he started to fade out. He knows you took over from me and probably has a pretty good idea of what you did, although he can’t know for certain of course. He wants to see you.”

Rafael looked round in alarm, to see a gentle smile on her face.

“He wants to thank you for your help.”

Rafael only shook his head. “Does he remember anything about me being with him in the hospital?”

“Not much I don’t think. The doctor had already told him that you had taken over from me and he has said that bits and pieces of his memory have come back. He thinks he remembers you being there. He said he heard your voice talking to him.”

“Go and visit with him Rafael. It’ll help you. I know it did me. Seeing him awake and back to his usual self, rather than lying unresponsive in that bed was definitely helpful in putting it behind me and getting our relationship back to normal.”

“I’ll think about it,” he said, just to get her off his back. He really didn’t think he could do it. Luckily that was enough for her to drop the subject, and he heaved a sigh of relief as he walked out of the station half an hour later.

***

But a week later he walked into the squad room and saw Sonny sat at his desk, and came to a grinding halt. He backed away quickly and hurried into the nearby mens room, dropping his bag and clutching the basin in both hands, his fingers clenched on the porcelain, and knuckles white as he tried to breathe slowly. He hadn’t been expecting to see him back at work yet. He washed his hands and face and took in some long deep breaths as he decided how to handle this. Just as normal he concluded, not able to consider any alternative.

He dried his hands and face before picking up his bag and heading back through the squad room, slowing down but not stopping as he passed Sonny’s desk on his way into Liv’s office. “Carisi. Good to see you back,” he said in a hopefully friendly but professional tone of voice. He saw the detective look up, but he didn’t make eye contact, and walked into Liv’s office and quickly shut the door behind himself.

She put down her papers and took off her glasses, frowning when he glared at her.

“Why didn’t you warn me Carisi was back in work today,” he hissed at her.

“I didn’t realise it would be a problem,” she commented, “or that you wouldn’t know. I thought you would have been in contact.”

“No we haven’t, and I would have appreciated a heads-up,” he said, taking a seat at her desk and taking out the papers for the case they were consulting on.

She leaned back in her chair. “Have you seen or spoken to him since you left the hospital on the day he was drugged?”

He glared at her, but gave in after a few moments of silence. “No I haven’t. I didn’t feel it was necessary.”

“Well I hope you don’t have a problem working together after this. If you need to discuss what happened, then do that so you can both move on. I know him and Rollins are okay now.”

“I’m fine. I don’t need to talk to him.”

Liv still stared at him. “What about him? He might need to talk to you about what you did, if only to thank you for your help.”

He shook his head. “That’s not necessary. I’ve put it behind me and just want to move on.”

She sighed but didn’t persist, instead getting out the witness statements and passing them over to him.

By the time he got out of her office, Carisi was nowhere to be seen, although he saw Amanda glaring at him. He didn’t stop though, and left the station in a hurry.

Things didn’t improve with the passage of time. Rafael constantly avoided Sonny whenever possible, and managed to do a disappearing act each time the detective tried to corner him, until he eventually gave up. Liv was losing patience with him, and Amanda kept giving him disgusted looks. He couldn’t tell what Sonny’s reaction was as he refused to make eye contact with him.

***

Things came to a head when all the detectives were in his office to prepare for a case. He managed to get through the necessary work with them, and only had individual time to prep them for court to schedule.

“I’ll need you Liv, as well as Rollins and Fin to testify, so sort out a time with Carmen for prep.” There was silence in the room which he ignored as he shuffled his papers.

“What about me?” He heard from Sonny. “I was the one who interviewed the victim originally when she made her statement.”

“I don’t believe you will be needed on this occasion,” Rafael replied.

“Or on any occasion if it means you need to be alone with me or work with me, or God forbid, look me in the eye. Is that right counsellor?” Sonny retorted, his voice rising with every word.

“That’s enough Carisi,” Liv said sharply. “All of you go and get some lunch. I’ll see you back at the precinct.” She didn’t say anything else until after they had all filed out, and the door closed behind them. Rafael was stood with his hands in his pockets, looking out of the window.

“He’s right Rafael. You’re avoiding him whenever possible, won’t look at him, and visibly flinch if he gets within 6 feet of you. This can’t go on. You need to sort it out. It’s affecting the cases and that’s not fair on him or on the victims we are representing. I know the problem is you, not him, and if you won’t resolve it I’ll have to request a different ADA.”

He looked round at her in shock, but could read the determination in her face. She meant what she said. He nodded at her before turning away again, hearing her pick up her coat and walk out of the room. He slumped forward, leaning his forehead against the window. He didn’t know what to do. The longer it had gone on, the harder he found it to even consider approaching the other man, and had no idea what he would say to him.

Carmen knocked on his door and he realized his next appointment was there. He would have to think about this later; much later.


	5. Chapter 5

Amanda sent a text message before picking up the drinks from the bar and going back to the booth she was sat in with Sonny. He picked up his drink and took a swig of the beer before slumping back and concentrating on tearing the label off the bottle.

“So what can I do? I’ve tried talking to him but he just ignores me. If I can’t testify it will affect my career. Maybe I should move on to another precinct.”

“Is that what you want?” Amanda asked.

“Of course not. But I can’t carry on like this with Barba treating me like scum.”

“Look, Liv isn’t going to let you get pushed out because Barba’s being an ass. I spoke to her this afternoon and know she told him today that he needs to sort things out or she will request a new ADA. So he is going to have to speak to you soon.”

“God, it just gets better. Now he can blame me for him losing his job or being moved.” he said disgustedly.

“It won’t come to that.” She heard a beep from her cell and checked the message. “He’s on his way here now. I arranged to meet up with him although he doesn’t know you are here. Just be patient with him. He’s not good at opening up or talking about his feelings.”

Sonny straightened up in the seat and looked at her in astonishment. “Since when have you been texting each other, and being so chummy?”

She snorted. “We’re hardly chummy. But we do have a bond that we didn’t have before this happened. I haven’t really said that much about what it was like in the hospital for me, because I didn’t want to upset you, but maybe I should have. Then you would understand Rafael more.”

“Rafael is it now,” he commented snidely.

“Considering what we went through, yes we switched to first names outside work. He has been referring to you as Sonny too, not Carisi, when we have spoken since it happened.”

He took a swig of his drink before looking at her again. “So tell me about it,” he said quietly.

“It was okay at the beginning, as you know already. You were fully conscious and participating as much as you could with the leads and iv drips in place. But the last hour or so I was with you was difficult. You were not really responsive and I was tired; we were both sore but still had to keep going. It felt more like I was assaulting you than participating in consensual sex.”

“But I consented,” Sonny started.

“Yes, I know. But after as much time as we’ve spent in SVU, there have been plenty of cases where victims have been drunk or drugged and someone decided to have sex with them anyway, as they consented earlier. I’m not saying that’s the case here, but that’s what it felt like when I was going through it. Put yourself in my shoes. If things had been reversed I bet you wouldn’t have been happy having intercourse with me if I was unconscious, even if you knew it was for my own good.”

Sonny sipped his drink again. “No I wouldn’t. I guess I never thought of it like that.”

“Well for Rafael it was even worse. You were never really conscious throughout the hours he spent with you. Plus you were bandaged and catheterised before he came in and you looked so pale, as if you were in a coma. He was left with physical damage from what he did, although I heard the doctor say it was half of what you had. His groin and hand were bandaged when he left the hospital though.”

Sonny swore. “I never realised it was like that for him.”

“Well no, you wouldn’t because he won’t talk to you. But it really did affect him badly. He refused to get therapy although the doctor did suggest it. I had a couple of sessions and it helped, but he’s withdrawn from me as well since that night. I told you I was there when he came out of your room and stayed with him that evening. That’s how I know how much it upset him. We cried on each other’s shoulder after he admitted to me that he felt like a rapist.”

“Jesus. Why didn’t he just talk to me? There is no way I would ever look at him like that. He did me a massive favour, and he won’t even let me say thank you.”

“I know. I’ve told him that. But he won’t listen to me. Talk to him and don’t let him get away as I think tonight’s the only chance you will have to get through to him. You need to sort it out now or else you will never be able to work together.”

He snorted. “Yeah. As you say, he’s so free and easy with the talking, especially about feelings.” He glanced round at her again. “You were exaggerating earlier about him crying on your shoulder weren’t you?”

She shook her head. “He might act aloof at work and totally cold but he isn’t that way. If he was, he never would have agreed to help you in the first place, and certainly wouldn’t have stuck it out for 6 hours, even when he was in pain and you were bleeding. I had offered to get Fin to take over but he said he wouldn’t put anyone else through it.”

She left him to think about that as she went back to the bar to get more drinks for them, this time also buying a double whiskey for Rafael. She made sure to sit on the side of the booth facing the door, and Sonny moved at her insistence to where he was hidden from sight of anyone walking through the entrance to the bar.

When the door opened she was in perfect position and waved at Rafael, pointing out the glass in front of her. He made his way straight to the booth and sat down opposite her, freezing as he saw Sonny sat there, watching him.

He glared at Amanda. “You tricked me.”

“Maybe misled you a little. But you need to sort this out now, and I didn’t trust that left to your own devices you would do anything, so I decided to help things along. Now I’m going to the restroom. You’d better both be here when I get back.” She stood and after giving both men a glare, picked up her purse and walked away.

***

Sonny picked up his beer bottle and drank the remainder of the beer in it before picking up the new bottle she had just brought back from the bar.

“If it’s any consolation, I didn’t know what she was up to. She only admitted she had invited you about 10 minutes ago.” He looked at the ADA carefully, watching him as he drank the whiskey in one gulp, wincing as he swallowed it. He could see the shadows under his eyes and the tension in the way he was holding himself ramrod straight in the seat. He looked like a cornered animal, about to bolt. Sonny decided he should keep quiet and let the older man speak first.

“How are you?” the older man eventually asked.

“Great, thanks. I saw Dr Smith yesterday and he gave me a clean bill of health. You and Amanda were both gentle with me and it made the difference.”

“Not careful enough,” he heard Rafael murmur, and he remembered Amanda mentioning bleeding.

“Dr Smith said that he has seen cases of rectal perforation in the past so a little blood was nothing to worry about. How are you? Amanda mentioned you had some damage too.”

Rafael glanced round quickly and made eye contact for the first time in weeks. They both froze before Rafael looked away again, fiddling with his empty glass.

“I’m fine. Nothing a few days recovery didn’t fix.”

Sonny cleared his throat. “I wanted to thank you.” He saw Rafael open his mouth to interrupt but didn’t stop. “What you did was more than anyone should have been asked to do, and if I had realized what it would entail for you, I never would have agreed to let you or Amanda help me in that way.”

“You would have had brain damage if we hadn’t,” Rafael said.

“Yes, but better that than what you had to go through. I hadn’t realised it was so bad until Amanda just told me. I can understand why you don’t want me around to remind you, and if you want me to leave SVU so you don’t have to see me again, I will. It’s the least I can do after you saved my life, or at least my life as I know it.”

Sonny saw Amanda walk to the table and put down another drink for Rafael before picking up her own and heading back to sit on a bar stool and chat to the bartender. He turned his attention back to find Rafael looking at him in horror.

“No. I don’t want you to leave. I know I need to get past this, but I don’t know how. Just give me time.”

Sonny shook his head. “I don’t think time is helping. It’s been a month and things aren’t improving between us. That’s why we need to talk about it.” He paused, just watching the older man, and saw him sigh but he didn’t disagree. “Amanda said you felt like a rapist,” he commented quietly.

“Amanda’s got a big mouth,” Rafael said bitterly, looking down at his drink.

“I want you to know I don’t see you that way. You did what I wanted you to do. I didn’t want brain damage and I appreciate what you did. I just wish I had been awake for it.”

“You wouldn’t really have wanted that. It wasn’t good. It was better that you weren’t aware of what was happening to you.”

“Yeah, towards the end I can see that, but at the start? The man I’ve been crushing on for years is finally in bed with me and I missed it all because I’m unconscious. That pisses me off.”

Sonny took in a deep breath and froze, watching Rafael carefully for his reaction. He thought that giving Rafael the upper hand by revealing his feelings might help restore the balance between them again, but on the other hand he could take it badly. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw the smug look before the older man took a sip of his replenished drink.

“Crushing on me for years, Sonny?”

He grinned at finally hearing his name from the ADA’s lips. “Well yeah. Don’t tell me you hadn’t figured that out before this ‘cos I won’t believe you.”

Rafael shrugged and finally leaned back in the seat and undid the buttons of his coat. Sonny felt himself relax.

“It may have come to my attention that you had feelings for me above admiration for my legal skills.”

“Well it started as professional admiration but grew from there. I mean, I always knew you were out of my league, and even if you did like men, I had no chance with you,” Sonny admitted.

He saw Rafael look round and quirk up one eyebrow. “Why would you think that? You’re attractive, we have quite a lot in common, and get on well. And yes, I do like men, in case Amanda actually kept that bit of information to herself.”

Sonny grinned. “Yeah, she did, but it’s nice to know. So would you have been interested, before all this happened?”

Rafael paused and drank some more of his drink before replying. “Yes, although I doubt I would ever have done anything about it. Too complicated with work. Plus you are at the start of your legal career, and rumours would have surfaced about how you got any ADA job you went for. Anyway you could have the pick of eligible young women who could give you the family I’m sure you want. You wouldn’t really have wanted to be stuck with an old crabby man like me.”

“I would have liked to get the chance to decide that for myself. You’ve obviously thought about it a lot.”

Rafael glared at him which had no effect. “Well it’s all academic now, after what’s happened. Too much water under the bridge to go back now.”

Sonny shrugged and made a point of obviously checking Rafael out, noting the slight flush on his cheeks as he saw what Sonny was doing.

“I don’t know about that, Rafael. I don’t see why that should stop us if it’s something we both want.” He held his breath to see what response he would get to using Rafael’s name, but just got an eyebrow rise and twitch of his lips.

“Have dinner with me tomorrow night. It will help us get our relationship back to normal. We need that if we’re going to keep working together. After that, well, we definitely shouldn’t rush into anything, but I’d like it if we could date, spent time together and take it from there. God knows I’m not in a hurry to have sex any time soon, but eventually I will want to make love to someone again. I’d like the chance for that to be with you.” Sonny let his feelings show on his face.

The older man did his own checking out of Sonny, who felt blood rush to his groin in a way it hadn’t for weeks now. But Rafael looked away and sighed.

“I don’t know Sonny. This is very sudden. Only this morning we were arguing and now you want to date me.”

“I was arguing and you were trying to pretend I didn’t exist. At the very least I want our friendship back. This is a good way to do that.”

Rafael looked at his glass again for a few long seconds before he answered.

“This won’t fix everything you know. I’m still going to have a problem with what I did to you, and I have no urge to get intimate with anyone, especially not you.”

“I know that. Dinner only. We’ve plenty of time to decide if we want to take things further. Nothing more than that unless both of us want it.” 

The older man sighed, but nodded as he finished his drink. “Okay then. I’ll text you. But I really need to go now. I’ve an early start and need to read up on a few statements before my deposition at 9.”

Sonny watched Rafael put on his coat and take out his wallet, fishing out a few notes which he left on the table as he got up. He glanced down and Sonny saw a genuine smile cross his face before he said good night and turned to leave.

He was still grinning when Amanda rejoined him a few minutes later.

“What the hell Sonny! I told you not to let him leave.”

He held up a hand. “Relax, it’s fine. We’re okay and having dinner tomorrow night.”

This changed things, and he saw the cheeky grin on her face. “Dinner huh. How did you pull that one off?”

“I charmed him,” he said smugly. She laughed.

***

Rafael wondered what the hell he had agreed to when he stood inside the restaurant he had picked out and saw Sonny wave at him. He had spent half the night awake debating cancelling tonight. Even though Sonny had said it would help get their friendship back, and he agreed they needed that, he knew it was a date. Admittedly it was something he had wanted before Sonny had been dosed with SX430, but could they really get past that and have a relationship? He didn’t think so, but couldn’t say no to trying. If nothing else he was sure it would do him good to spend time with Sonny now they had cleared the air. He knew he felt better as a result of their conversation last night.

He had been furious with Amanda when he had found Sonny at the bar, but then wondered why he hadn’t anticipated it. It was obvious that she would set them up together. But when he spoke to Sonny he found that it wasn’t nearly as bad as he had expected, and they got on as well as they usually did. He had even found himself reacting positively to Sonny admitting his attraction, although he couldn’t really believe he had agreed to a date with him.

He got to the restaurant a few minutes early only to find that Sonny was already there. He sat down and they chatted about food choices as they looked at the menu and then only after ordering was there any uncomfortable silence.

“So what happened with the Melindez trial? I missed it with being off and haven’t gotten round to asking anyone about it yet.”

Rafael looked at Sonny for a second, before responding. “You want to talk about work? I thought you wanted us to date. I bet you don’t usually talk about work to your dates.”

The younger man laughed. “Well yes, normally I would avoid it, but we did agree the priority was getting back our working relationship and friendship. Plus you look tense and ready to bolt so I thought talking about something we normally discussed would relax you a bit.”

At that Rafael laughed as well, and made a conscious effort to relax. He did tell Sonny about the Melindez trial, but after a while they both deliberately took the conversation away from work.

The evening went quickly, and it was only when they realised the restaurant was wanting to close that they paid the bill and then left. They continued talking as they walked up the street to the subway station.

“Well I’ve really enjoyed tonight Rafael. I’d like to do it again. How about Friday night?” Sonny asked.

Rafael nodded. “Yes that would be good. Thanks for a great night Sonny.”

The detective nodded and smiled at him before turning and walking down the steps to the station, not making any effort to touch him.

***

Their next evenings out were definitely more like dates, and followed the same pattern; dinner and conversation. One night they went to the theatre, and another they had a walk in the park, but there was no touching, and no effort made by either man to move their dates on.

Amanda had been fascinated by the two men and kept quizzing Sonny, but he honestly told her that they were enjoying each other’s company and nothing was happening between them. It wasn’t that Sonny wasn’t interested, or had changed his mind, but he was very wary of rushing, considering what had happened.

It was a month later before he decided to make a tentative move. They were at the cinema watching a film both of them admitted to wanting to see, and after they finished their shared tub of popcorn, Sonny took in a deep breath and then reached across the seat for Rafael’s hand, interlocking their fingers and resting their joined hands on his thigh. He waited with baited breath for his date’s reaction, and felt the older man tense up. But he didn’t move his hand away, and gradually relaxed again. Sonny smiled to himself in the dark. It might be a small move, but it hadn’t been rejected, and he was willing to go as slowly as Rafael wanted.

Nothing was said the rest of the evening about the hand holding, and Sonny made no attempt to do anything more, although he really wanted to kiss Rafael goodnight. It was a week later that he decided to make his feelings more obvious, and as they said goodnight, he stepped closer into Rafael’s personal space and took hold of his hand, squeezed it in his own and looked down very obviously at the older man’s lips. He didn’t do more than that, just waited to see if Rafael would move, either pulling away or stepping forward. He didn’t do either, and they parted ways without any further move between them. But Sonny wasn’t discouraged. At least he hadn’t backed off or refused another date. Maybe now he had made his wishes clear, Rafael would get used to the idea and accept his advances.

So at the end of their next date, Sonny did the same thing, stepping forward and holding Rafael’s hand. This time the older man hesitated and swallowed hard before looking Sonny in the eye and taking a step forward. Sonny smiled at him and moved his other hand to Rafael’s shoulder, before slowly moving his head down until their lips touched. He kept the kiss gentle and light, almost chaste, and placed gentle kisses along Rafael’s lips before tentatively licking his bottom lip.

Rafael groaned and surged forward, opening his mouth as he moved one hand into Sonny’s hair, caressing the strands as they tilted their heads and the kiss turned passionate. Sonny moaned as he felt Rafael’s tongue invade his mouth and his own thrust forward to meet it, and they kissed until they had to part to breathe.

“God I’ve wanted to do that for so long,” Sonny admitted. He felt Rafael smile against his lips before they kissed again. They spent long minutes in a passionate embrace, although Sonny kept his wits about him enough to ensure their bodies didn’t press against each other. The last thing he needed was Rafael to feel his hard-on pressed up against him. He didn’t think the older man was ready for that. Eventually he gentled the kiss and then pulled away. Rafael blinked at him and he could see the dilated pupils in the deep green depths of his eyes.

“I think I’d better go. How about brunch on Sunday?” He asked.

Rafael nodded. “Yeah, that’s good for me. I’ll see you then.”

Sonny steeled himself to walk away and reluctantly parted ways, making his way home with a smile on his face. He was making progress.


	6. Chapter 6

Despite his concerns, Rafael was keen to see Sonny Sunday morning. He knew that his feelings for the detective were growing and was nervous of that, knowing how he still felt about the idea of getting intimate with him. He wasn’t sure he could do that. He still had nightmares of what he had done to Sonny and even knowing that Sonny had no problem with it hadn’t helped him banish them. But he also knew he was falling in love with him and couldn’t resist letting their relationship move forward. He was just hoping he would be able to get over his misgivings before their relationship got to that point.

They enjoyed a nice meal at a local cafe and had a walk through Central Park before heading back to Rafael’s apartment. He had said he would loan Sonny a book they had discussed and it seemed silly not to just walk back together and get it. Neither of them had visited each other’s apartment before, but it was time.

He opened the door and set to making coffee for them both as Sonny found the book on the bookshelf, getting it down and sitting on the couch to read the back cover. Rafael put down mugs of coffee for both of them and sat down next to him.

“Thanks Rafael. This looks great. I’ve been meaning to read more since I started this series but hadn’t gotten round to buying the next book.”

“No problem. I’ve struggled to find time to read the last few years what with work being so full-on, but I do enjoy it. I don’t know how you’ve found time to work full time, get a degree, see your family and regularly cook for the squad.”

Sonny laughed. “Yeah, well I definitely was doing without enough sleep for a few years there. I’m glad to finish the studying. Speaking of cooking, how about you come round to mine for a meal next week? It’s time I cooked for you.”

He grinned. “I’m going to have to buy some new suits at the rate we’re going. Every date doesn’t need to revolve round food you know.”

“I know, but the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and I need all the help I can get.”

“It’s working,” Rafael murmured, and knew his feelings were showing on his face when Sonny smiled gently and leaned forward, kissing him lightly. He responded immediately and moved closer on the couch, putting his arms round Sonny and kissing him passionately.

Sonny groaned and Rafael found himself pulled fully into his arms, and within minutes they were making out, hands pulling at clothing to get to the skin underneath and caressing each other. Rafael wrenched his mouth away from Sonny’s and quickly pulled off his T-shirt, and then went for his nipples, and felt Sonny’s hands roaming under his own polo shirt. 

Rafael suddenly had a flash back to the hospital, when he had done this exact same thing and Sonny had responded. Within seconds he remembered the smell and sounds of the hospital, the memories of Sonny’s flesh unresponsive under his touch and him pushing into an unconscious body. He couldn’t catch his breath and his vision went blurred. He concentrated on trying to breathe in and out.

He gradually became aware of the room again, and found himself curled into a ball on the end of the sofa. Sonny was sat on the floor at his feet, fully dressed and looking terrified. He passed Rafael a glass with a few fingers’ of amber liquid in it and he wondered how long he had been out of it. He took the glass and had to hold it with both hands as they were trembling so much. He sipped the whiskey and felt the familiar burn as he swallowed it, then went back for more.

After a few minutes he uncurled himself and sat normally on the coach, noticing that Sonny had backed away and was nowhere near him.

“Thanks Sonny,” he murmured.

“You’re thanking me for giving you a panic attack?” Sonny said. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have pushed you when you weren’t ready for more.”

Rafael shook his head. “It’s not your fault and you didn’t push. We were both in it together. I didn’t expect it to happen so you had no way to know I would react that way. It’s never happened before. You’ve every reason to expect to be able to have a passionate make-out session with your boyf… with someone without them having a melt-down.”

He looked round at Sonny and saw the gleam in his eye. He had hoped that he wouldn’t have picked up on that slip of the tongue.

“Boyfriend? I like the sound of that,” Sonny said with a grin on his face.

Rafael rolled his eyes and took another sip of his drink.

“I knew you wanted to go slowly and I went too quickly. I shouldn’t have.”

“For goodness sake Sonny; it’s not like I’m a nervous virgin, or a rape victim. I shouldn’t be reacting like that. It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything I didn’t want.”

“You sure?”

“Yes I’m sure. I’m attracted to you. I want to kiss you and touch you. It’s just what happened before that’s the problem. I’ll get over it.”

Sonny nodded and Rafael noticed he’d gotten himself a drink too and was sipping it. “Maybe if you told me what it was that set you off, we could be careful in future to avoid it and any other triggering activity.”

He sighed. He really didn’t want to talk about it, but knew that Sonny was right. He needed to know what the problem had been if they were to avoid it happening again.

“When I took over from Amanda, touching your chest was one of the first things I did, and you responded when I caressed your nipple. You did the same thing now and it just triggered the memory for me. It’s a strong memory because it was the first response I got and I latched onto it because I hadn’t been sure you were capable of responding at all at that point.”

“Okay. So is there anything else we need to avoid? I’m assuming you spooning me and giving me prostate stimulation in any way is out too as that will be what you did with me in the hospital, but do you have any other strong memories you think might be a problem?”

Rafael thought for a minute before shaking his head. “Nothing else that I can think of. I’m not saying we will always have to avoid those situations, at least I hope not as I enjoy them, but for now it would be a good idea to consider other options. I’m comfortable with most things usually, so there’s still plenty we can do.”

“Good. But we definitely need to go slowly.”

Rafael rolled his eyes. “Sonny, we’ve been dating for months now and the other night is the first time we even kissed. We have been going slowly. I want us to get to sex before I’m too old to do it!”

Sonny laughed. “You’re not old, and I think if you managed to get it up often enough in the hospital to get inflammation from the experience that I won’t need to worry about your ability for a long time.”

“I did have a little help from Dr Smith with that though,” Rafael admitted, and at Sonny’s look admitted, “he gave me some Viagra.”

Sonny nodded. “That makes sense. Oh well, we now know that works, so if you do need it in the future to keep up with me, we can get some. But I do intend us to get to the sex before you’re too much older.”

“I should hope so too. Don’t walk on eggshells around me. I’ll be fine.”

“Okay. But for now I think we should call it a day. My sister wanted to see me later anyway, so I’ll leave you to enjoy your Sunday in peace. Let me know which evening works best for dinner when you know your plans for the week and I’ll see you tomorrow at work.”

“Will do. Thanks Sonny,” Rafael said as he got up and walked Sonny to the door. He pulled the taller man towards him and they shared a gentle kiss before parting.

***

Rafael spent much of the afternoon thinking about what had happened and looking up online what he could do to prevent it happening again. He decided to be proactive and searched for the card Dr Smith had given him for the therapist who specialised in these matters. Although normally he would rather cut his arm off than go to a therapist, he was willing to at least give it a shot if it would improve his chances of a relationship with Sonny. He never wanted to go through that experience again, and was sure he would lose Sonny if it happened regularly.

He gave up in the end as he couldn’t find the details and rang Amanda before he lost his nerve. She gave him the number and told him that she had been to see the woman, and had found it helpful.

“So why are you now asking for her number Rafael? I thought you were doing okay with what you did,” she asked in a gentle voice.

He hesitated before admitting he had had an anxiety attack due to a flashback from the time at the hospital.

“What brought that on?” She asked.

“Just something with Sonny. I want to stop it happening again, and thought if talking to this therapist would help, then I would give it a go.”

“Ahh. I’m not surprised that it’s coming up now if your relationship with Sonny is progressing.”

“Yes, well I suppose I should have expected it, but it shocked me. I don’t want to ever feel like that again.”

“I can understand that. The first time I got intimate with someone after I was raped, I had an anxiety attack. It really scared me,” she admitted. “But I got through it and it hasn’t happened since. Hopefully it’ll be the same way with you, especially if you’re getting help.”

“Thanks Amanda,” he whispered, before finishing the call, knowing how difficult it would have been for her to admit that. 

Before he could talk himself out of it, he rang and left a message on the therapist’s answerphone, saying he would like to make an appointment and leaving his name and number. It was done. Now all he could do was wait.

***

Sonny was quite subdued the rest of the day, and still the same way when he got into work the next day. He was worried that if Rafael was going to have such a strong negative reaction to something so inconsequential as him taking his top off, that he would give up on their relationship, despite what he had said. That wasn’t what he wanted.

Late morning he was out with Amanda waiting for one of their suspects when she tackled him about his mood.

“Why are you so quiet today?” She asked. He shrugged, not wanting to talk about it.

“Is it because of Rafael? How are things going between you anyway?”

“They’re fine,” he said.

“Bullshit. Look if you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to, but I’m here for you.”

Sonny glared at her. “What makes you think anything is wrong between us anyway? My mood doesn’t revolve around him you know.”

“I know that. But usually if your family has pissed you off you’d talk about it. It’s only Rafael you don’t discuss. Plus he rang me yesterday afternoon so I already know there is a problem.”

He stared at her and saw the empathy in her eyes, before wrenching his gaze away and staring unseeingly out the windshield. “What did he say?” He asked quietly.

“He wanted the number of the therapist Dr Smith recommended. I asked him why and he told me he had had an anxiety attack, and admitted it was something to do with you. He didn’t say more than that though, so don’t worry that he’s been talking to me about you. He hasn’t.”

Sonny slumped down in the seat and sighed. “We were making out when he had the attack. God I was so scared. I didn’t know what was happening or what to do to help. We weren’t even doing much. If he reacts like that to me taking my shirt off then how can we have a sexual relationship? Maybe I should give up.”

“No, you shouldn’t. He obviously doesn’t want to because if he did, he wouldn’t be asking for Dr Souza’s number. He wants to work through it which is a good sign. As I told him, I had an anxiety attack once, after I had been raped, but I got past it and haven’t had problems since. Just give it time and patience, and maybe keep your top on for a bit.”

He nodded at her. “Thanks Amanda,” he said in a low voice, before changing the subject.

***

Two days later Rafael spent an uncomfortable hour talking to the therapist about what he had done in the hospital and his current relationship with Sonny. He couldn’t meet the woman’t eyes and was very familiar with the carpet of her office by the time he got out, but did feel a bit better at just getting it out of his system. She had shown no signs of being shocked at what he told her, and had given him some tips to help when he next saw Sonny, and he had no hesitation in making another appointment for the following week.

Friday night he had arranged to have dinner at Sonny’s apartment, and although he was nervous, given what had happened before, he was also keen to see him, as well as try his cooking. He took a good bottle of wine with him, and ignored the butterflies in his stomach as he knocked on the door of the apartment.

Sonny looked just as nervous as he felt as he invited him in, and busied himself with taking the wine and Rafael’s coat. He smiled to himself and moved forward into Sonny’s arms, pulling him down for a kiss. He kept it fairly chaste before letting go and smiling. He could see the relief in Sonny’s eyes and saw him relax.

“That was nice,” Sonny said, stroking Rafael’s back and not making any move to get away.

“Yes. I’ve missed you this week, with being in court so much of the time.”

He saw Sonny’s eyes sparkle at his words and he grinned. “I’ve missed you too. I nearly rang you last night, just to hear your voice.”

Rafael’s eyebrows rose. “I would have liked that. Why didn’t you?”

Sonny shrugged and looked away. “I was nervous. After what happened last time, I didn’t want to give you an opportunity to back out of seeing me today.”

He put his hand on Sonny’s chin and pushed gently until Sonny met his gaze again. “I want this too Sonny. Please believe that. We just need to be careful and go slowly. That doesn’t mean stop. I have no problem holding you or kissing you and I intend to do both tonight. After you’ve fed me of course,’” he said with a grin.

Sonny laughed and leant in, kissing him quickly before walking to the kitchen. “Speaking of which, I’d better make sure I don’t burn this. It should be ready to come out of the oven about now. Open the wine would you?” He asked, passing a corkscrew to Rafael who did as he was told.

They enjoyed a lovely meal together, talking about their week. When they were relaxing with a coffee on the couch after they finished, Rafael decided now was the best time to talk about getting therapy.

“I saw the therapist this week that Dr Smith recommended,” Rafael said, glancing round and seeing Sonny nod.

“Amanda told me you had asked her for the number,” he admitted.

Rafael rolled his eyes. “I might have known she would tell you that,” he said. “I had thrown the card out because I was sure I wouldn’t need it, but she was very helpful. I think talking about it was good. She said that we should take things slowly and be very honest with each other about what we are comfortable and uncomfortable with. Unlike many relationships nowadays, physical intimacy will only be possible between us when we are both feeling secure and trust each other completely.”

“Yeah, that makes sense. It’s too easy to fall into bed with someone who you don’t really know and then regret it when you find you really have nothing to build a relationship on other than lust. But I think we’ve made a good start.”

Rafael smiled at Sonny and put his coffee down. “I agree. We get on great, know each other very well by now and have plenty in common.” He looked down, not quite able to meet Sonny’s eyes. He hated talking about his feelings. “I care about you, a lot, and I want this to work between us.”

Sonny abandoned his coffee as well and moved closer to Rafael on the couch and put his arm around him, leaning in to kiss his forehead. “Me too. I knew I was falling for you weeks ago, and I’ll do whatever we need to do to keep this relationship going forward. I want this, even without sex. That would be nice at some point, but the last few days have shown me that even without it, I want to be with you.”

Rafael relaxed and looked into Sonny’s eyes before pulling him down for a kiss. “We’ll get there when we’re both ready for it. In the meantime making out is definitely something I enjoy and want to do more of with my boyfriend.” He recognised the love he could see in Sonny’s eyes, and then closed his own, giving himself over to another kiss, slanting his head and opening his mouth to deepen it when the younger man responded.

***

Sonny reluctantly pulled back from Rafael to breathe and put a bit of space between them. He glanced at his watch and realised they had been making out for an hour. He glanced at his boyfriend - just thinking of Rafael as that gave him a thrill - and saw the relaxed grin on his face and the swollen lips, bruised from kissing. He himself could feel his cheeks were tender from Rafael’s stubble.

“This is fun,” he said, but saw the barriers start to come up in the older man.

“But…” Rafael said.

“But, I’m getting very turned on, and I don’t want anything to ruin tonight which has been great. I’m worried I might do something to trigger you again, like press up against you.” Sonny felt embarrassed to say this, but knew he needed to be honest.

Rafael smiled and briefly kissed him again. “You’re turning me on too. I don’t think that would trigger me - it’s not as if that would remind me of anything at the hospital as you were catheterised and bandaged before I even saw you. Your dick is the only part of you I haven’t seen, come to think of it.”

Sonny laughed. “I hadn’t thought of that. You’re definitely at an advantage then as I haven’t seen any of you unclothed yet. But I’ll let you do a striptease another time. Maybe we should cool things down as we are meant to be taking things slowly and we don’t want to get too frustrated.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.”

“Can you say that again so I can record it?” Sonny said cheekily, and got a tickle to his side from Rafael in retaliation. He laughed before getting up and clearing their now cold coffee mugs away, adding them to the dishwasher with the other dishes before closing the door and turning it on.

He was backed against the counter and gently kissed before Rafael pulled away. “I’d better go,” he said, and Sonny could hear the reluctance in his voice. “I’ve had a long day as I was up early preparing for court. Can I see you tomorrow?”

Sonny smiled. “Yes please. If you’re free during the day we could do something together, visit a museum maybe.”

“Yeah that sounds good. I’ll call you tomorrow morning.” Rafael leaned in again and Sonny folded his arms around him while they kissed goodnight, before he saw the older man out.

As he went to bed that night he couldn’t stop smiling. That had gone better than even he had hoped.


	7. Chapter 7

The same pattern followed their dates over the next few weeks, with them enjoying each other’s company and usually ending up with a make-out session at one of their apartments. They didn’t make any effort to take things further but both of them found they were getting more turned on and comfortable with that.

When they had a full weekend off, they decided to spend it together. They ended up spending Saturday at the Botanical Gardens in The Bronx since it was a lovely day and they wanted some fresh air rather than being inside. They walked through the gardens hand in hand, admiring the different areas, and rarely letting each other go. They stopped in the heart of the garden in the forest and watched the Bronx River as the water cascaded over a riverine canyon and rapids. They made out leaning against a tree, feeling as if they were the only people there as the sun started to go down, and after getting something to eat, they reluctantly left the peaceful landscape for the hustle and bustle of the city again. 

They ended up back at Rafael’s apartment, not wanting to break the spell further and see other people. Rafael closed the door behind them and immediately reached up and pulled Sonny down into a kiss. He slanted his head to get a better angle and deepened the kiss, hearing Sonny moan as he pressed their bodies together. He wanted more.

He backed Sonny to his couch and pushed the younger man onto it, immediately climbing on top of him, bracketing Sonny’s legs with his own thighs and sinking down onto his lap. He threaded both hands through the strands of hair that had been loosened from the product holding them and kissed him again, deepening their kiss still further. He could feel himself responding to the passion, and also could feel Sonny’s arousal underneath his ass. He pushed down, feeling the hardness that was behind Sonny’s jeans zipper and hearing the groan as Sonny threw his head back and thrust his hips up spontaneously.

“God I want you so much,” Rafael whispered as he leaned down for another kiss.

“I thought we were taking things slowly,” Sonny said, his voice huskier than usual.

Rafael pulled away so he could focus on Sonny, and saw the dilation of his pupils and the puffiness of his lips from their kisses. “You want to slow down?” He asked with a smile, already knowing the answer.

“No, but I want you to be sure before we go further.”

Rafael ground his hips down again, enjoying the pleasure and lust he could see on Sonny’s face. “I am sure. We’ve gone slowly enough.” He reached down with one hand and caressed the thickness of Sonny’s cock through his jeans before moving his hand upwards to his belt. He looked up and saw Sonny nod his agreement before quickly undoing the belt and button of his jeans, then slowly undoing the zipper.

He parted the two sides of the denim and looked down at the head of Sonny’s cock poking above the low top of the briefs he was wearing. He could see a drop of liquid in the slit and his mouth watered. He wanted to touch and taste. But he knew although he wanted more, there was a limit to how much he was ready for.

He used his thumb on the head, picking up the liquid and rubbing it into the hot flesh before letting his fingers caress the hard length. Sonny leaned back to give him better access, and they both raised their hips so Rafael could ease the jeans and underwear out of the way down to his thighs. He cupped the heavy balls before moving his hand back up, enclosing the hard length and pulling upwards a few times, hearing the moan from Sonny as he did so.

“I want to touch you,” Sonny gasped, “Can I please?”

Rafael nodded. “Yes,” he said as he leaned back to start to undo his own pants. He felt Sonny’s hand stop him.

“Let me. I’ve imagined doing this for so long.”

He grinned and moved his hand away, watching the eagerness on Sonny’s face as he felt his jeans being undone and then his cock caressed by the younger man with only one layer of cloth between them. But his position over Sonny on the couch meant the clothing couldn’t be removed easily, so he reluctantly pulled away and stood up, kicking off his shoes and shedding his socks as well as pulling off his jeans and underwear. He saw Sonny do the same, and then he sat down, again straddling Sonny’s lap.

Sonny pushed his hands under Rafael’s polo shirt and pulled it upwards, and he helped by raising his arms, allowing the younger man to undress him fully. He did the same to Sonny, pulling his T-shirt off. He could see the hesitation on Sonny’s face and kissed him as he relaxed back down again.

“Don’t worry. I’m fine. Feeling you touch me, the sounds you are making, the way you are responding; I’m here with you now. I want you.” He leaned down for another kiss, and felt Sonny grasp hold of him, one hand finally touching his cock while the other caressed his back.

He threw his head back and groaned. This felt fantastic. He gave in to the feeling, thrusting his hips towards the warm grip on his cock. He moved so he could do the same to Sonny, and they kissed as they both moved their hands in sync, pulling rhythmically as they gasped at the amazing sensations.

Rafael knew he wasn’t going to last long, and that was fine by him. He could tell Sonny wasn’t any more in control than he was. He pulled away to breathe, breaking their kiss, and gazed at Sonny’s face, seeing the pleasure on it as they both spiralled towards their peaks, their sweaty bodies moving jerkily against each other now as they strained together.

Sonny went rigid and cried out Rafael’s name as he felt the spurt of wetness against his belly and hand, and the look on Sonny’s face set Rafael off too, and his eyes closed in ecstasy as he thrust one last time before freezing in place, his own release covering Sonny’s hand.

He slumped down on Sonny’s heaving body, letting go of the slippery cock with trembling fingers, and resting his head on Sonny’s shoulder, hearing his ragged breathing and feeling the loud thumping of his heart against his chest. Sonny’s hand was still caressing his back, and then felt a gentle kiss pressed against his forehead. He smiled and closed his eyes to enjoy the moment.

***

Sonny struggled to catch his breath under the weight of Rafael’s body. He wouldn’t change a thing though. He couldn’t believe that had just happened. He had resigned himself to no intimacy for weeks longer, if not months, yet this had been perfect and so spontaneous. He felt a surge of love for the man in his arms and squeezed him closer, never wanting to let him go.

Rafael pulled away a few minutes later with a tired smile on his face.

“I think we’re a bit sticky now and probably could do with a shower. Join me?” He asked, and Sonny’s grin returned. He nodded and supported Rafael when he moved as he could see he was still a bit shaky from that orgasm. He followed the older man as he walked to his bathroom, enjoying the view of his lover’s strong shoulder and back muscles moving, as well as the round ass that he couldn’t wait to get his hands on.

They kissed as the shower heated up and soon they were both underneath the warm spray. Sonny grabbed a bottle of body wash he could see and squirted some into his hand, then rubbed the slick gel into Rafael’s chest, enjoying the feel of the springy chest hair, and lower down, the slight softness of his belly. He knelt down to reach his groin, and took his time cleaning the now soft cock and balls swinging in front of his face, before massaging the thick thighs and sturdy calves. He poured more gel into his hands before applying it to Rafael’s arms and then indicating that he wanted him to turn round. He saw the relaxed smile on his lover’s face as he did so, and then repeated the process down Rafael’s back and buttocks, gently stroking one finger between his cheeks to clean and caress his entrance as he pressed a gentle kiss to his neck.

He swapped the bottle for shampoo and massaged some into the dark strands before tipping his head back, holding one hand over his forehead as he rinsed to ensure none of the suds got into his eyes. He then spied a bottle of facial wash and used that to clean the face he had admired for so long, massaging away the stress lines on his forehead before rinsing that off too and pulling Rafael into another kiss.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been so clean,” Rafael commented with a smile as he picked up the bottle of body wash and used it to quickly clean Sonny, being thorough although not lingering as much. “I want us to get out of here before we run out of hot water, so I can’t take as long over you as I’d like to. Maybe next time,” he said.

Sonny grinned at that thought and turned round so Rafael could clean his back, although he noticed that the older man moved in front of him again and kissed him as he washed his backside.

Soon they finished and were wrapped in fluffy towels as they sat back on the sofa, this time with a glass of whiskey each. They leaned together, with their hands and legs touching.

“Will you stay here tonight?” Rafael asked Sonny.

“Yes of course,” Sonny replied, feeling himself melt as he leaned forwards for another kiss. They finished their drinks and then made their way to the bedroom, leaving the glasses in the kitchen on the way.

As they slid into the bed, Sonny hesitated. “Will you be okay in bed with me, or will it remind you of the hospital?”

Rafael paused for a second and then shook his head. “As long as I’m not spooning you I’ll be fine. Is that okay?” He asked.

Sonny grinned at him. “Absolutely. I like being the big spoon. Or you can lie on me. Or me on you. I’m flexible.”

Rafael grinned. “We’ll see just how flexible you are another time.”

Sonny laughed as he pulled the covers over him and slid over until he was lying next to Rafael. He put an arm over his chest and leaned in for another kiss before relaxing back and resting his head on the pillow.

Rafael reached over to turn out the light and Sonny sighed as he felt his lover scoot back into his arms. He held on as he closed his eyes. This was heaven.

***

When Rafael woke up in the morning he could feel Sonny’s breath on his shoulder and fingers lightly combing through his hair. He glanced behind him and smiled at his lover before turning over so he was facing him.

“Morning,” he said before wrapping his arms around Sonny and pulling him in for a kiss.

“Good morning to you too,” Sonny said after the kiss ended.

They lay in each other’s arms for a few minutes while Rafael tried to wake up. He had slept much better than he had expected, not being used to sharing a bed with anyone, and was debating the merits of coffee vs staying where he was and just enjoying his company. Sonny won.

Rafael snuggled into Sonny’s warmth further and kissed him again, letting their passion build slowly as he ran his hands down the long back muscles. It wasn’t long before he felt Sonny’s morning wood moving against his own, and he moaned his enjoyment.

Sonny pulled back to breathe. “Here’s me thinking you would have been mainlining coffee as soon as you woke up.”

“Normally I would, but I’d rather have you.”

“Wow, high praise from a caffeine addict like you,” Sonny said with a laugh. “You can have me. Any way you want,” he added.

Rafael could read the lust in his eyes and see the truth in them. He thought for a few seconds about what he wanted most.

“I want you inside me. Is that okay?” He asked softly.

“Definitely fine by me,” Sonny agreed with a smile.

They kissed for a few more minutes before Rafael pulled away to reach into the top drawer of his bedside table and withdrew a condom and bottle of lube which he passed to his lover.

“Lie down and relax,” Sonny instructed him, and then pushed away the bedclothes. Rafael did as he was told and watched Sonny as his eyes wandered down his body, stopping at his groin. He saw the younger man open the bottle and pour some of the lube onto his fingers, and then those same fingers were stroking his cock, and caressing his balls before delving behind to his entrance.

Rafael bent one knee and raised his leg to give better access and got a smile in return before Sonny went back to the task at hand, and it only took him a few minutes before a long finger was pressing against his prostate. He groaned and arched up. It had been a long time since he had had this type of stimulation, being on his own a long time and not having felt in the mood for any type of sexual release since Sonny had been drugged.

Soon one finger was joined by another, and then a few minutes later a third. Rafael was getting close simply by the prostate stimulation, and encouraged his lover to speed up.

“Come on Sonny. I’m ready. I want you in me now,” he urged, and was relieved to see the younger man rip open the condom foil and roll the thin latex over himself.

Rafael pulled his other leg up and wide, giving his lover space between his legs, and Sonny immediately got into position, meeting his eyes as he paused.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” Sonny asked, and Rafael rolled his eyes as he used one hand to pull the sheathed cock of his lover to his entrance and thrust his hips up.

“Yes I’m sure. Get on with it,” he insisted, giving him a glare which he knew had no effect on the irrepressible man. Sure enough, Sonny just grinned, but also pushed forward, letting his cock slide slowly inside Rafael.

Rafael moaned as he felt himself being filled. This was exactly what he wanted, and he clutched Sonny closer to himself and wrapped his legs around his hips. He felt Sonny’s balls and wiry pubic hair touch his ass and couldn’t help moving slightly to get more sensation.

“Hold on a sec,” Sonny said, taking in a deep breath and not meeting Rafael’s eyes. “I need to get control if I’m not to go off like a rocket. You’re tight.”

“Yeah, it’s been a while,” Rafael confirmed. “You feel great,” he added and he couldn’t help rotating his hips. “I'd forgotten how good this felt.”

Sonny stayed still for another few seconds, a look of intense concentration on his face and his eyes closed, before he eventually started moving, slowly withdrawing until only the head was still inside Rafael, before pushing back in again, adjusting his angle with each thrust.

Rafael arched his back and cried out as Sonny hit his prostate full-on, and saw the grin on his lover’s face as he speeded up his thrusts, making sure to hit the same spot each time. Rafael clutched Sonny to him with both arms and legs wrapped round his lover, and pulled him in for a steamy kiss. It couldn’t last long and they pulled apart to breathe, with Rafael’s eyes closing in ecstasy as his body went rigid and his cock spurted his release, without even being touched.

He was just coming back down and opened his eyes in time to see Sonny’s face as he reached his own peak with one last thrust against Rafael’s prostate. He slumped down on his lover and Rafael let out a laugh as he pushed until they were both lying on their sides. He removed the condom and wrapped it in a tissue as Sonny still seemed out of it, and was just mopping his abdomen of his own release when he heard his lover’s voice.

“Wow,” he said in a breathless voice. “That was even better than I expected.”

Rafael threw the used tissues into a trash can at the side of the bed and turned back to his lover. “Yeah, for me too.”

***

They shared another shower where Rafael paid as much attention to Sonny as the younger man had done the previous evening. Then they got dressed and argued good-naturedly about what they wanted for breakfast. Sonny enjoyed taking over in the kitchen and preparing his favourite pancakes for his lover while Rafael sat sipping coffee, ignoring his paper and just watching Sonny. He found the heated gaze of Rafael on him made him hot, and he kept being distracted from what he was doing.

They reluctantly parted for the rest of the day after that, as Sonny had promised to babysit for Bella and Rafael had laundry to do. They arranged dinner for later in the week though, work permitting.

Sonny found himself with a happy grin on his face all day, and had to put up with teasing comments from his sister about how he was obviously getting laid he was so relaxed. She quizzed him about his love life and he eventually gave in and did admit he had been seeing Rafael. He hadn’t wanted to say anything before now as he hadn’t been convinced they would get over the drugging and actually be able to make their relationship work. He had told his family he had been attacked and so had to stay in hospital to be monitored for a few days, but hadn’t given them details. He definitely didn’t want them to know more than they had to about that experience.

***

“Morning Carisi,” he heard from Amanda as he walked into the precinct Monday morning and left a box of pastries in the break room. He headed to his desk and emptied his pockets into the desk drawer. He smiled up at her, and saw her eyes narrow as she took in him and the box he had left.

“Pastries today - someone had a good weekend!”

He tried to suppress his grin as he remembered his weekend. “Yes I did. How was yours?”

She frowned. “Tiring. Jesse is teething so I had a few disrupted nights. So what did you do that’s got you so upbeat today?”

Sonny hesitated, not wanting to say too much. “I had dinner out Friday night, visited the Botanical Gardens on Saturday and spent time with my niece yesterday.”

She leaned back on her chair, assessing him. “Let me guess, dinner was with Rafael and the fresh air was with him too. Things are going well by the looks of it. Got over the drugging fully now have you?”

He coloured and smiled. “I don’t know about fully, but yes, things are going well.”

“I’ll say. I know you well enough to recognise the ‘happy and recently laid’ look on you. Can’t wait to see it on Barba.”

He laughed. “If you think he will show anything other than his usual grumpy self when at work you don’t know him very well.”

“Not as well as you do, obviously,” she commented. “But seriously, Sonny, I’m glad things are working out for you both.”

He smiled. “Thanks Amanda.”


	8. Chapter 8

A month later, things were still going well between them. Rafael was conflicted though. They had started regularly spending the night together, more often at his apartment which was nicer than Sonny’s, but he was still having nightmares, and waking Sonny up, disturbing them both. He had been having them ever since the drugging and he had assumed they would improve with time, but they weren’t reducing at all, if anything they were getting worse. Now he had started to struggle in his sleep, fighting the bedclothes and Sonny until he woke up.

They were all about the hospital, and in one he was trying his hardest to help Sonny, but seeing the hormone levels rising higher and higher. The doctor burst in and dragged him away, telling him that he was no good for Sonny, and had given him brain damage. Sometimes the nightmare showed him watching Sonny in a padded room, wearing a straight jacket, and bashing his head against the wall, with the SVU squad all glaring at him and telling him that it was all his fault that Sonny was brain damaged. These nightmares left him shaking and unable to sleep for the rest of the night. Sonny insisted on staying up with him, which meant both of them were exhausted the next day.

Last night things had been worse, as Rafael had not only had a nightmare, but Sonny had struggled to wake him from it, and hadn’t managed to subdue Rafael before he had taken a hit to the face from a flailing arm. Rafael had been apologetic and Sonny had reassured him that he was fine, and he took harder hits from suspects every week. The cold pack he had used had reduced the swelling, but the damage was still visible.

“Forlini’s tonight Rafael?” Liv suggested as they finished going over updates for their current cases.

“Raincheck?” he replied.

“Sure? I know Carisi is seeing his sister tonight so you’re not busy with him. You need to get dinner at some point, and I know your cooking isn’t up to much, so keep me company for an hour and eat,” she said.

He sighed. He really wasn’t in the mood to be good company after what had happened last night, and just wanted to brood at home. But he was tempted to put off his introspection until later.

“Okay then. But I’m not staying out late. I need an early night.”

“Yes, I noticed you’ve looked tired today. Did Carisi keep you up last night? He’s been yawning today too.”

He smiled tightly but shook his head. He really didn’t want to talk about it.

They were sat at a booth at Forlinis, having ordered their meals before she brought up the subject again.

“Look Rafael, I can tell there is something going on, and I’m worried. Carisi has a swollen face and that hasn’t happened before. He told me he walked into an open cupboard door, but you and I both know that’s not the truth. We’ve heard it often enough from abuse victims.” 

He glared round at her outraged. “You think I’m abusing him? I would never do that!”

He glanced back at Liv and saw she looked determined to get to the truth. He sighed.

“Okay, I did hit him, but it was an accident. I was having a nightmare and he was trying to wake me up.”

Liv sighed. “I guess neither of you got any sleep after that, which is why you’re both so tired today.”

He nodded gloomily and had another sip of his drink.

“Do you get the nightmares often? You’ve looked tired quite a lot recently.”

He finished his drink and caught the eye of the waiter and gestured for another one. Him and Liv had never talked about what happened to Sonny or what he had to do as a result because he had refused to discuss it, shutting her down every time she tried to bring up the subject. Now he could see that not talking about it had made things worse, so decided to open up a little to her.

“I’ve been having them for months, once or twice a week, ever since April.”

“When Carisi was drugged. Are they about him, about that?”

He nodded, not wanting to go into details.

“I thought they would stop once we got on better, and when we started seeing each other, but they aren’t. If anything, they are getting worse. I don’t know what to do about it.”

Liv took a sip of her drink before replying. “I know it took a long time for my nightmares to go after William Lewis. It was only after a lot of therapy that they eventually stopped. Did you see anyone after what happened?”

He shrugged. “A couple of sessions. I had an anxiety attack at one point and the therapy was to get over that. But none since.”

“Maybe you should go back, as it wasn’t enough if you’re still having nightmares.”

He nodded. “Yeah, probably. I can’t do that again to Sonny.”

“Was it really that bad, at the hospital? I know you didn’t want to discuss it earlier, but I’m always here for you.”

He looked up at her and saw the sincerity in her eyes. “Thanks, but I really don’t want to talk about it. It was pretty bad but at least it worked. I’ve only gone through it with the therapist and that was hard enough.”

“You haven’t told Sonny about it? Maybe you should.” She suggested.

“God no. He’s the last person I want to talk to about it. He feels bad enough as it is. He doesn’t need another guilt trip.”

They accepted their meals from the waiter, who quickly followed up with Rafael’s new drink, and so they used this as an opportunity to change the subject.

***

Unfortunately for Rafael, when he got in to see the therapist, she thought talking to Sonny was a good idea. She also recommended a joint session with both of them. Rafael was sceptical, but promised he would discuss it with him. There were quite a few suggestions she had to help reduce the nightmares and improve his sleep, which had never been that good, and he said he would give them a try.

So for the next week he tried to have a consistent bedtime and reduce his alcohol, limit his caffeine intake in the afternoons and evenings, and get some exercise. It helped his sleep, but had no effect on the nightmares.

***

Sonny was keen to go and play his part in Rafael’s recovery, and so the next week, both of them made their way to Dr Souza’s office.

Sonny felt a bit apprehensive as he waited with Rafael outside the office, but nowhere near as worried as Rafael was himself, judging by the way he was pacing and fidgeting. He took hold of Rafael’s hand and squeezed, making eye contact and tugging slightly, before leaning forward and placing a gentle kiss on his lips.

Sonny smiled. “Relax, and remember that no matter what is said in the next hour, I love you and want to be with you, okay?”

Rafael sighed. “Yeah, I know. I love you too. I just worry about what might come out, or what she might suggest.”

“You’re worried she might say the nightmares are because we are together, and that we should split up?”

Rafael nodded, and Sonny grinned. “Not going to happen. She won’t say that, and even if she did, you’re not getting rid of me now. I’ve invested too much into this relationship to give it up. So put that idea right out of your mind.”

Just then, Dr Souza’s door opened and she popped her head out. “Rafael and Sonny, please come in,” she said with a smile for them both.

They came in and sat down, and Sonny smiled at her as he relaxed into one of the comfortable chairs facing her. He looked round curiously, having seen her at the hospital rather than visiting her office before. It was quite large, with a formal desk on one side of the room, but comfortable chairs that they were sat in around a coffee table at the other end, which was much more informal.

“How are you Sonny?” She asked. 

“I’m fine thanks, Dr S. I feel I recovered quite well, both mentally and physically, thanks to you and Dr Smith, plus off course Amanda and Rafael.” He glanced round at Rafael and smiled, seeing it returned.

“Glad to hear it.” She smiled at him, before turning to her patient.

“So how have you slept in the last week Rafael? Did you try out the things I suggested?” She asked.

“Yes, I did,” Rafael replied cautiously, but Sonny could tell he was starting to tense up. “I’ve done some of it - reduced my alcohol, tried to do more exercise and not snack late at night. Reducing stress levels isn’t going to happen though, not with my job. I have slept better overall, but the nightmares are still happening.”

“That’s a good start, Rafael. These measures might not be enough to get rid of the nightmares, but if you can sleep well the other nights it will help you feel better overall. But we’ll see what we can do to reduce the nightmares themselves.”

She turned her gaze to Sonny.

“I suggested that you both come and see me today as quite often nightmares can persist where things aren’t out in the open, and I am aware that Rafael hasn’t discussed either his nightmares or what happened in that hospital room with you.”

Sonny glanced over at Rafael again, and found his lover wouldn’t meet his gaze.

“Well no, he hasn’t. I respect his privacy and if he doesn’t want to talk about it, that’s up to him. I’m not going to push it. But you think that the nightmares might be helped if we did talk about these things?”

“Yes I do. I mentioned this as one way to help reduce them last week. Did you think about it Rafael?”

Sonny watched Rafael’s face and saw how uncomfortable this conversation was making him.

“Yes, I’ve thought about it. But they aren’t pleasant, my nightmares, or what happened at the hospital. I think Sonny’s better off not knowing.”

“What do you think Sonny?”

“It sounds like you would be better off if I did know,” Sonny commented gently. “For myself, I would prefer to know what happened. It bugged me at the time that things had been done to me while I was unconscious and no-one would tell me what, but I learned to live with it. I didn’t want to bring back bad memories for you by asking you to tell me. But if telling me would help you get rid of the nightmares, then I think you should. Don’t worry about me; I can handle it.” He kept watching Rafael’s face, eventually seeing him look up sideways at him, and make eye contact. He was reassured to see him nod.

“I know what happened at the hospital is difficult for you to talk about and now isn’t the time or place, but for today, would you be able to tell Sonny about your nightmares?”

Rafael looked up at the therapist and sighed heavily. Sonny kept watching him as he looked down again and started fiddling with the clasp of his suspenders.

“I’ve had two nightmares which repeat. In one, the one I had last Tuesday, I am trying to help you but failing. They had set up a monitor which showed the hormone levels that needed to be kept down, and all I could see was the levels rising, and I couldn’t stop it. Nothing I tried worked. Then alarms started going off, and the doctor and nurse came in and pulled me away, telling me I’d failed, and you were going to be brain damaged because I wasn’t good enough. I was fighting them as they pulled me off, and that’s what I was doing when you woke me up.”

Sonny made sure to keep his face looking calm, and when Rafael glanced round at him, he caught his eye and smiled at him reassuringly. 

“The other nightmare is after that, and you’re locked up in a padded cell and bashing your head against the wall. Liv and Fin and Amanda are there, all glaring at me and shouting at me, telling me that you’re like that because I failed, because I didn’t help you.”

He reached across and look Rafael’s closest hand in his own, and squeezed gently.

“They sound horrible. I’m not surprised you don’t want to try and sleep again after them. You know they never would have come true though, don’t you? Even if you hadn’t managed to stop the drug damaging me, I would never have held that against you, and neither would the doctors, or the rest of the squad. It was an awful situation, but you didn’t fail.”

Rafael squeezed his hand back and leaned back in his chair, finally looking up and making eye contact with Sonny. He could see tears in his lover’s eyes.

“I know that rationally, but not in my dreams.”

“One of the promising new therapies for nightmares in PTSD patients is imagery rehearsal treatment. I think it might help you too. It involves reimaging your dreams so they have different, less frightening outcomes. I can work with you to do that and give you information on it, if you want to try it.”

Sonny watched Dr Souza get out a leaflet and pass it to Rafael, who took it and glanced at it before looking at Sonny. He nodded encouragingly to him.

“Yeah, that sounds good. I’ll try anything to get them to stop.”

“Good. I’ll let you read up about it and we’ll get into it more next week.”

Dr Souza turned away from Rafael and smiled at Sonny. “So Sonny, have you had any nightmares or problems since I saw you at the hospital after your attack?”

“No. I think I escaped pretty well from it all considering. As I said, not knowing what happened hasn’t been ideal but I trust Rafael and so haven’t dwelled on it. Amanda and I discussed what happened when she was with me, and I was aware for most of it, so that helped.”

“How about your relationship with Rafael?”

“That’s great. It’s something I wanted for a long time, so I didn’t want what happened to stop it. We took things very slowly to start with. There was the one panic attack Rafael had, but that was only once, and since then things have been good. Other than the nightmares.”

Sonny saw Dr Souza watching him carefully.

“And is there anything you would like to see different in your relationship? Anything that has been affected by what happened?”

Sonny hesitated and glanced at Rafael before answering. He didn’t want to hurt his lover but realised it would be best for them to be honest. He paused too long and saw Rafael frown at him.

“Well, our sex life is great, it really is, but…” He glanced at Rafael again, and saw his eyebrows rise up. “I understand why Rafael doesn’t want to do some things because they remind him of the hospital, and I can live with that, but I wonder sometimes if we can find a way to add a few things back in. Sorry,” he tagged on, aimed at Rafael.

He leaned over and took Rafael’s hand again. “Look I know now isn’t the time to be thinking about this, or even considering doing anything that would upset you or make the nightmares worse, but maybe in the future we could discuss it, see if there are any things we can change up.”

He watched Rafael anxiously, and was relieved when he eventually saw his nod and he looked up at him again.

“Yeah, we can do that. I know what you mean and really I already knew you felt that way, even though you’ve never said anything before. I just don’t want to push too far, too fast.”

“I don’t want to do that either. When the time is right, let me know.”

“I will.”

***

By the time they left Dr Souza’s office, Rafael was exhausted. He hated talking about his feelings and definitely about what happened in the hospital and his relationship with Sonny, so that had been stressful for him.

“How about dinner? I’ve got the makings of cannelloni at my place if you want to crash there tonight?”

Rafael smiled at Sonny. “That sounds perfect.”

“Great. I think we need a nice quiet night in, and an early night. No more stressing or talking about the past or the future, but just enjoying now.”

“Yes, I agree. I will talk to you about what happened though, as both you and Dr Souza think I should, but not tonight.”

“No rush. Whenever you feel up to it.”

He smiled. “Don’t say that. I’ll put it off forever if I can. You need to push me a bit.”

Sonny laughed. “Fine. I’ll give you a deadline of your next appointment. I want you to go and see Dr S next week and tell her that you’ve spoken to me about it. Then if any issues arise, you can talk to her.”

“God I hate talking!” He exclaimed.

Sonny laughed even more at that. “You love talking, just as long as you can dictate the subject.”

***

There was silence in the car for a few minutes before Rafael continued on a different subject. He wanted the awkward conversations out of the way before they got back to Sonny’s apartment.

“So you said in Dr Souza’s office that you want to add things in to our sex life. I assume you mean you want me to top,” He commented.

Sonny nodded. “Well, that and other related things. I always loved prostate stimulation, which is probably just as well as it saved my brain from turning to mush. But I do miss it. I only get it on nights when we’re not together now.”

Rafael found the thought of that aroused him. “So that’s what you do when we’re apart is it?”

Sonny smiled. “Yeah, but I’m thinking of you, if that makes you feel better.”

He smiled back but then sighed. “I don’t want you to miss out on things you enjoy, or feel you can only get them when I’m not around. I’ll try it and see if it brings back bad memories.”

“That’s all I ask. I know you don’t want to top me because you are worried about it reminding you, but I was thinking if I rode you and did all the work, it would be easier. If you don’t think that would help, we don’t have to.”

He thought about it. He remembered pushing into Sonny’s unconscious body from behind, and how awful he had felt, and then considered how he would feel if Sonny was sat on top of him, reacting to him, awake and watching him, and he smiled.

“Yeah, I think that would be okay. I’m up for trying that.”

“Good.”

They made eye contact and Rafael could read the arousal in his lover’s eyes, before he had to direct his attention back to the traffic. He smiled. That hadn’t been as bad as he had expected.


	9. Chapter 9

Saturday night was the night Rafael had told himself that he would speak to Sonny about what happened at the hospital. For once Sonny wasn’t on call, so they could have a few drinks, and then they had Sunday to recover from any fallout from the conversation. He had been dreading it, and found the nightmare the night before didn’t help, but was determined to go through with it.

He had bought a take-away, not wanting Sonny to be distracted by cooking or clean-up, and after they finished their meals, Rafael turned off the TV they had been watching and poured them both another drink.

Sonny looked round at him, surprised, and then took a drink of his whiskey and swallowed hard. Rafael decided he could read the serious look on his face.

“So you want to know what happened at the hospital. I’ll start from the beginning shallI?” He glanced round at Sonny and saw his nod.

“I had just escaped from court and checked my messages to see one from Liv, summoning me to the hospital. No explanation, so I was worried. I got there and Liv told me what had happened to you. I’ve seen enough cases to know the consequences of that drug being used, what with the rape cases, and the men that have been left unable to stand trial because of the damage left to them. So when Liv told me that she wanted me to help, I was willing, although a bit taken aback when I found out what exactly was being expected of me.”

“I watched the video you had recorded on Amanda’s cell, and was gratified to see you had included men helping you on it. It reassured me that you had been aware of what might be necessary, and probably were bi if you had thought to add it in. Straight men never usually even consider it.” He took a sip of his drink and risked another glance at Sonny’s face, but just saw compassion.

“Dr Smith gave me more information about ways to help you, and what would be necessary, the monitors and your physical condition, and I agreed to help. But I wasn’t expecting the state of Amanda when she came out of your room. She was wiped out and pretty much in tears. I’ve never seen her like that and it scared me. But I could see she couldn’t take any more so took over from her.”

Seeing you lying on that bed, not even reacting to me speaking to you was a shock. As you know, you did react when I touched your chest, and that reassured me that you were still aware of what was happening, and I watched you carefully from then on, at least for the next hour, trying to see signs of you being aware of what was happening. But after that, when I didn’t see any reactions from you, I tried not to look at you, not wanting to see you like that. I concentrated on what I was doing, and checking the monitors to make sure it was working.”

***

Sonny watched as Rafael took a sip of his drink and took a deep breath in, and knew he had to support his boyfriend through the telling of this story, so took his free hand in his own, and squeezed gently. He had picked up pretty quickly what the purpose of the evening was, and found himself holding his breath as he listened to Rafael tell him in a low, hesitant voice what he had done. He could see tears fall into the glass of whiskey Rafael was still holding in his shaking hand, and his heart clenched with pain as he realised how difficult this was for his lover.

Sonny felt his own tears start as he listened to Rafael’s confession, as that is what it sounded like to him. He tried to put himself in his lover’s shoes, and think about how he would have felt if it had been the other way round, and Rafael had been the one drugged, and him asked to help. He knew he would have done it, couldn’t not do it, but he doubted he would have reacted any better to what he had done.

Eventually Rafael got to the end of his recounting of events, and Sonny watched as he finished his drink. Sonny listened to what he had done after Dr Smith had assured him that the treatment had worked, and he could stop.

“Amanda was there when I got out, and she helped me back to my apartment, I was exhausted and just wanted a rest, a whole bottle of whiskey, a cry and someone to take care of me. Amanda did that. We did that for each other I think, although she was more put together at that point than I was. You had been awake with her most of the time and that had made it easier, although she struggled towards the end she said. With me it was hard all the way through. I just kept remembering the faces of victims crying on the stand when they recounted how they had been raped by men while unconscious or drunk or drugged and powerless to resist. I know that wasn’t the case with you, but it felt like it to me as I was going through it.”

Rafael poured himself another drink and tried to subtly wipe his eyes, which Sonny didn’t react to, knowing how much his proud lover would hate to be caught crying.

“The next day Amanda tried to convince me to come to the hospital with her, but I couldn’t face you, and go back into that hospital room again. I think now that it would have helped me, but at the time I was just so determined to ignore everything that had happened, as if that would make it go away. I refused therapy, refused to talk to Amanda, although she never gave up trying to convince me to talk to someone, and see you. I just shut down. Until the day I walked into the squad room and saw you back at your desk. That hit me like a ton of bricks, but instead of realising I needed help and getting it, I became even more determined to ignore everything and treat you as if nothing had happened. But I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t even look at you. It took Amanda forcing us together to make me see that nothing had changed that couldn’t be fixed; that you were back to your usual self and didn’t blame me, or have a problem with what I did. The way you treatedme allowed me to forgive myself for what I had done, and then I started to heal. But not enough obviously, as the nightmares have continued.”

Rafael tipped the whiskey glass back and swigged what was left all in one. Sonny realised he was worried about his reaction, and having trouble facing him. He waited and let the silence envelop them, wanting to make sure there was nothing else Rafael wanted to say.

When his lover didn’t speak, he moved closer to Rafael on the sofa, and took him in his arms, feeling the trembling in his body as Rafael wrapped his arms around his back and hid his face in his shoulder.

He could feel the dampness through his shirt and knew Rafael was crying again, but hopefully these were tears of relief at getting this out finally, and healing tears. His face became wet as he cried too, hating to hear of the pain Rafael had been through, all for him.

The tears stopped but both of them stayed cuddled together on the sofa for a long time, before Rafael eventually pulled back, looking up cautiously at Sonny.

Sonny smiled at him, seeing the embarrassment in his eyes at the emotional outburst, and leaned down to kiss him gently, letting his feelings show - not lust or passion, but love and caring.

“I love you,” he whispered.

He saw Rafael smile back and felt the relaxation in his body as he replied.

“I love you too.”

They went to bed soon after that, not speaking about any of the revelations of the evening but just slowly getting ready for bed and then cuddling up together, as they drifted off to sleep, without ever letting each other go.

***

The next morning, Rafael was awake when Sonny eventually woke up. He felt his lover’s fingers caressing his scalp and running through his hair, and moved closer, placing a gentle kiss on Rafael’s shoulder.

“Penny for them?” He asked.

Rafael looked ruefully at him. “Not worth that. I was just thinking that I slept well. No nightmares. I was expecting to have them last night after thinking about what happened.”

“Well that’s good. Maybe getting it out by telling me was good for you, as Dr S said.”

He saw Rafael roll his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah. So maybe getting therapy was a good idea and I should have had it earlier. It’s just not me.”

Sonny snorted. “Yeah, denial all the way is definitely your usual reaction to things you don’t like, even when you know it’s not the right thing to do.”

Rafael sat up in bed, putting a pillow behind him to prop himself up. Sonny could feel him tense up, and moved so he was sitting himself, although he didn’t let go of his lover, keeping close and leaning into his heat.

“So, you never said anything last night about what I told you.”

Sonny shrugged. “The most important thing was that you got it out, not my reaction. Plus both of us were too raw to start discussing it, I thought.”

“Maybe so, but that’s not the case now.”

Sonny sighed. “I don’t know what to say really. I know that having heard what you went through I feel even more grateful that you were willing to do that, and put yourself through it for me. It’s not as if we were that close when it happened. Most people wouldn’t, especially with our background in SVU which tend to make us ultra cautious of consent issues. I thought about what I would have been like if our positions had been reversed. I definitely would have been willing to do the same for you, and I’m sure I would have found it just as hard as you did. I hate the idea of it.”

He grinned suddenly. “But I know I would have gone to visit you in the hospital the next day, and would have gotten therapy. I’m not as stubborn as you are, and am much more willing to accept when I need help.”

Rafael jabbed an elbow into his ribs at that, but he couldn’t disagree. He did have a habit of sticking to decisions, even when they had been proved to be bad ones, and he hated opening up to anyone.

“The important things is how do you feel today? Better for having told me, got it out of your system?”

He watched the emotions over Rafael’s face, and gave him the time to think about his answer.

“I feel better, and not just because I know it’s over with now. I was dreading telling you. I feel lighter somehow, and even the memory of it doesn’t feel as difficult to cope with.”

“Good. It was definitely worth it then.”

He reached over and wound his arms around Rafael and kissed him, not allowing the usual spark of lust to burst into life. He didn’t think Rafael would be ready for that yet. He needed more time to recover.

He pulled away after a few minutes, and suggested they get coffee, and Rafael agreed. Confessions were over, and their life together would go on. This hadn’t destroyed them.

***

Telling all to Sonny had been a turning point, Rafael decided, when he looked back on it a few months later. They were even closer now than they had been before, with no secrets between them. The small part of him that had been ashamed that he had even been able to physically do what he did to Sonny had been eliminated for good. He had continued seeing Dr Souza, and found it tough to recount his nightmares, and come up with different endings to them, but it had worked, and they had more or less stopped. He now wasn’t worried about them either, knowing that if he had one, he could cope with it.

Tonight he wanted to overcome the last barrier remaining in their relationship. He sipped his nightcap, watching Sonny as he sprawled on the sofa next to him. They had enjoyed a great meal out at their favourite restaurant, and once he could move, he planned to seduce his younger lover. He reached out a hand and caressed Sonny’s thigh, moving slightly so he could reach further, to his inner thigh, and then up closer to his crotch.

Sonny looked round at him with a grin on his face.

“Something on your mind Rafael?” He said.

“Oh yeah,” Rafael purred back at him, before stretching up and kissing his lover. He felt Sonny’s arms go round him, and they made out on the sofa, tongues entwined and thrusting in their mouths like their bodies intended to do very soon.

Rafael moved away first, and stood up, reaching down a hand for Sonny, who took it and allowed himself to be pulled up and into their bedroom. They had pretty much settled on Rafael’s apartment now, with Sonny’s being relegated to a storage area and mail drop.

They both took off their clothes quickly and got on the bed, with Rafael lying down and encouraging Sonny to sit over him, so Sonny could feel the ridge of his cock as it brushed against his ass. He caressed Sonny’s chest, pulling at his nipples and hearing the groan that provoked. He then reached sideways into the nearby drawer and pulled out a well-used tube of lube. They had stopped using condoms months ago after a discussion about monogamy and negative tests for both of them. He watched Sonny’s face as he opened up the tube and squirted some of the gel onto his fingers, then reached down between their bodies to run a finger down past Sonny’s balls to his opening.

He saw the look of surprise and the grin that formed, and carefully ran one finger around the pucker before pushing slowly in, hearing the gasp from Sonny and feeling him grind his hips down to get more of the finger inside him.

“Oh God, that feels so good. More, give me more,” he said, with a pleading look on his face. “I’ve wanted this for so long,” he continued.

Rafael grinned himself. This was nothing like the hospital, with Sonny sat there on top of him, moving and talking. He added another finger, and then aimed them to Sonny’s prostate, knowing very well where to find it and how much pressure Sonny reacted best to.

Sonny was having trouble staying upright and his cock was deep red, leaking precome by the time Rafael added a third finger.

“I don’t need this much prep. Get on with it,” Sonny said as he thrust his hips down further.

Rafael laughed and removed his fingers, hearing the whimper from Sonny as he did so, and used some more lube to coat his own throbbing cock. Sonny immediately shifted forwards and moved upwards slightly, waiting until Rafael held his cock at the right angle, before slowly lowering himself.

He felt himself being enclosed in the hot, tight cavern that he remembered from the hospital. But nothing else felt the same. He was aroused and with his lover, with them not breaking eye contact as he put his hands onto Sonny’s hips and supported him until he was all the way down, with Rafael being able to feel his balls against Sonny’s ass.

He took in a deep breath and watched the pleasure roll over Sonny’s face as he thrust his hips slowly upwards, aiming his cock at the small gland that he was so well acquainted with.

Sonny moaned as he made contact, and Rafael grinned as he heard the sound and saw Sonny’s mouth open in pleasure. He withdrew slightly then thrust in again, and as he realised that his lover could take it, he speeded up the force and frequency of his movements.

His hand slipped off Sonny’s hip with the amount of lube still on it, and he felt the telltale spiral of heat in his loins as his orgasm approached. He wrapped his fingers around Sonny’s leaking cock and jerked it in time with his movements, never taking his eyes off his lover.

Streams of white landed on Rafael’s chest and abdomen as Sonny came hard, and Rafael watched the pleasure ripple over his face, even as the clenching of his ass catapulted him over the peak himself, and he felt his eyes close as he released himself deep inside his lover.

He opened his eyes as he felt Sonny pull off, and winced in oversensitivity. Sonny sprawled over the bed next to him, panting, with one hand on his chest, running through the drying come still splattered over him.

“Wow, that was great,” he said in a husky voice.

Rafael grinned at him. “Yeah, I did get the impression you liked that.”

Sonny raised his head from the bed to look seriously at him.

“Are you okay? I know you were concerned that would bring back bad memories for you.”

He raised an eyebrow at Sonny. “You can’t tell?” He queried.

He watched as Sonny shrugged his shoulder. “Well yeah, you seemed to enjoy it and came hard, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t have any flashbacks.”

Rafael laughed. “I’m good. No bad memories. This was a great idea of yours. We’ll definitely be doing it again.”

Sonny grinned and relaxed back down onto the bed again.

“Good. We can do that forever as far as I’m concerned. It was amazing.”

He smiled and rolled to his side so he could kiss his lover.

“Forever sounds just right to me.”

His last fears had been banished at what they had just done. He lay in his lover’s arms and knew the past was behind them once and for all, and they could move ahead with their lives. What they had been through had been awful, but they had overcome every obstacle it had caused them and their relationship was stronger as a result. He knew it would withstand all the ups and downs of the rest of their lives together.


End file.
